I didn't want anyone to know that Vivek beat me in a game of hungry hungry hippos at one of those meetings.

The DOGE departmental beatings will continue until morale is improved.

Trump also won't let me give my food scraps to JD under the table anymore.

Currently playing "Hooked on Phonics" with Trump. He's not doing great but the effort is there.

JD Vance keeps banging on the glass from the garden asking if he can come inside yet and Trump just keeps turning up Shrek 2 even louder.

RFK Jr. followed me into the Whitehouse public bathroom. He keeps yanking on my door asking "Can I play Angry Birds on your phone?"

Update: Barnes and Noble didn't have a copy so he's having him choke down a kindle instead.

Yo Trump is gonna make JD eat a copy of Hillbilly Elegy outside the Spencer's gifts in Richmond Mall. Come thru.

Yo Trump is gonna make JD eat a copy of Hillbilly Elegy outside the Spencer's gifts in Richmond Mall. Come thru.

Anyone in the government caught peeing sitting down when I KNOW you're not taking a number 2 will be subject to small talk with JD Vance.

Trump always weeps at the end of Ratatouille

In my first act as efficiency director I demand that someone give me their Disney+ credentials so I don't have to type with this goddamn remote

My neuralink is flooding me with Hims ads

Vivek keeps trying to hold my hand during The Brave Little Toaster.

RFK Jr is the methhead uncle I never had. When I asked him about his health policies he proceeded to angrily eat one entire tube of Crest toothpaste.

Telling the military to hook up the war drones to my Wii remote.

We've done it. The new Tesla upgrades will look away while you're jorking it without being asked. Thank you to everyone who completed our survey.

RFK Jr eats crayons

New Invention: Robot that runs on meat

Seriously guys come back

Trump says I can get a lil bit of his dictatorship as a treat

New Tesla Feature: All new models will be built with AI that makes them horny

I'm putting ads in your neuralink feed and there is nothing you can do to stop me.

Why do people say I'm unrelatable. I am just like all of you. Everyday I unhinge my jaw and swallow one entire pangolin.

Trump is gonna bring back old fashioned goulash

To get you to go back to X I'm offering you one free handjob from one of my robots.

This isn't cool guys come back to X.