John Howard Matthews

I can’t not believe how hard it is to sleep when you’re watching your country, be dismantled by the dumbest people.

Photo I took of UIC welcoming Trump to campus in 2016.

Evangelical recording artist The Escalators new release on K-Tel Records: Walk With Me.

Tylenol

McSweeney's publishing Trump's speech as satire was 100% the correct call.

My handy insect identifier app correctly identified this as a spider. No fooling those insect apps.

Still there must be some sort of common implement, possibly handheld, that might be correlated to all school shootings, and even (if the data were to support it) all shootings. If we could only think of what this mystery object might be, we might be able to curtail the problem. Sandwiches, perhaps.

So glad ICE is in Chicago. The city is a lawless hell-scape. Blues musicians wrecking hundreds of police cars. High schoolers doing weird scientific sex experiments. Kids home alone during the holidays. Women killing their husbands and lovers and then SINGING about it sassily. This has to stop.

Inspirational Walrus.

I was excited at age 10 to get a pair of Space 1999 walkie-talkies for my birthday. That was until I discovered they were, like the show, ultimately garbage.

Worm-drilled I believe.

YouTube video by John Howard Matthews "Teenage Conspiracy" — Music Video by Criminal Bystanders

Listening to RFK Jr. today felt like getting a lobotomy.

youtu.be/4i3cxqmrJ3I?...

When Trump really is dead, I look forward to mediums speaking with him and learning that he's making the afterlife great again.

Behold! Beyond the sand trap, in the rough... Donald is risen!

Spot on.

Bill Barr to assistant this morning: "Cancel all speaking engagements please."

Likely a wizzed upon wizard.

Not sure who needs to hear this, but tonight's winning lottery numbers will be 5,14,30,51,52,53. You're welcome.

I believe that big balls should be beaten every night.

In honor of the world's greatest madman entertainer, I wrote this tribute to Ozzy. By singing about darkness he helped me and many others through darkness. #RIPOzzy #OzzyOsbourne

Drain strain?

The comics were the primary reason I used to pick up The Chicago Reader back when it was the size of a phone book. (Pretty sure that's where I first saw your work). When they downsized, the comics were the first thing to go, which I thought was the worst decision they could have made.

I don't think I've ever approached a Fourth of July with as much antipathy as this one.

Seriously, what the fuck are we celebrating again?

Been there. Done that. So. Many. Times.

A few years back, my wife and I went as Quint and Jaws. Butch Patrick (Eddie Munster) was on hand to witness. Happy 50th Jaws!

Nah. You’re good.

We Oppose Income Caps on the Ultra-Wealthy, but We’re Totally in Favor of Limiting the Number of Dolls per Household “Trump, who has argued that China will bear the brunt of his tariffs, acknowledged during a Cabinet meeting on April 30 that the duties may mean fe...

A bit of satire on this very point:

We Oppose Income Caps on the Ultra-Wealthy, but We’re Totally in Favor of Limiting the Number of Dolls per Household “Trump, who has argued that China will bear the brunt of his tariffs, acknowledged during a Cabinet meeting on April 30 that the duties may mean fe...

Some will look at empty shelves in stores as an indicator Trump’s tariff policies aren’t a good thing. Others will embrace them as a much-needed tool to prevent children from having too many dolls.

My latest satire for @mcsweeneys.net

We Oppose Income Caps on the Ultra-Wealthy, but We’re Totally in Favor of Limiting the Number of Dolls per Household “Trump, who has argued that China will bear the brunt of his tariffs, acknowledged during a Cabinet meeting on April 30 that the duties may mean fe...

"Anyone opposing the doll limit should consider how it could lead to a surge in innovation: children making their own dolls out of popsicle sticks and tissue paper, or forgoing dolls altogether, and becoming so bored that they start a coal mining company or investment firm."