Will

(mf doom voice) he threw a sandwich cheese and salami, feds couldn't indict folded like origami, afraid of subway both the chain and the train, mayo salt and pepper shake your thang, grand jury shut em down twice, coca cola on the side no ice

It’s been so long since I’ve been here, could someone bully me a little to get me warmed back up? Bonus points if you use insane talking points to back it up

My kid found my bong hidden in my bathroom and asked what potions we are making

There’s one crow in my neighborhood who always goes nuts when there’s a hawk nearby and warns all the other birds and I low-key think he’s like a bird superhero.

Getting stoned on my back porch while I work is the reason I’ll never go back to the office.

old Soviet joke for our times:

Guy stops by the newsstand every day, scans the front page, doesn’t buy the paper. One day the vendor asks what he’s up to.

Guy says: “looking for an obituary.”

Vendor says “those are towards the back of the paper, comrade.”

Guy says: “not the one I’m looking for.”

There is one correct answer

My baby just asked if he can get a PJ Masks tattoo. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah dawg!!

When I’m angry the last thing you should do is tell me to stop being angry.

Elon Musk with a bunch of goddamn babies strapped to him so we don’t hurt him.

Day to day, you know? We just keep going.

Happy birthday bud

Every two months I have an injection that costs a small used car, the American medical system is broken as hell.

Hell yeah!

Im gonna start using that line in my day to day life

First they came for the gamers, it was a sticky mess and everyone could smell it.

Pay $Captainmurphy123 on Cash App Instantly exchange money for free on Cash App

Fuck it. I hate to do this yes I have savings but I do not have enough to pay my full property taxes before the $270 penalty kicks in even if I liquidate everything so I humbly ask you not for the whole sum but just about half of it.
Goal is $400 before 03/31. #MutualAid
cash.app/$Captainmurp...

I hope it’s obvious to the shareholders than Elon is doing other shit and not worrying about what he gets paid to worry about

Vagen

Screen cap from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia showing Dennis and Mac with the caption "Uh May the Birds be with you"

Good morning and GO BIRDS

Once upon a time I was eating my wife out, ass up, and a cat attacked and hung from my testicles. Wife didn’t understand why I was screaming into her pussy but she just went with it.

In this house we:

TAKE LEXAPRO
take our wellbutrin
DRINK ALMOST ENOUGH WATER SOME TIMES
like to be combfy

Merry Christmas!

Happy Time Theft Tuesday to you and yours.

Love ya bud, you’re good people