Jesse Shultz

White House refers to 1981 study that states pregnant women who take Ephemerol can cause scanners. 🤯

George uses a guest towel to clean up and throws it out the window, which lands on Newman, who won a contest to press the ball-drop button, causing a premature new year's countdown. Episode title: The Ostrich Pizza.

The smell ruins the party and ends Elaine's date with a phlebotomist and Jerry's conversation with guest star James Gunn regarding Jerry's idea for a Superman movie...

Kramer sets up a mobile "make your own pie" pizza station which includes ostrich meat he got from Jay Riemenschneider. George, excitedly, builds his own ostrich pizza. It makes him violently ill and destroys the bathroom...

#Seinfeld animated series. Ep: 1

The Drake, now single, hosts a New Year's Eve party at his apartment to watch the ball drop...

We're watching Back to the Future. I just realized how noble it was of the old man, who people called a nut case and weird for befriending a teenage boy, to announce and then actively draw the fire of machine gun and bazooka wielding terrorists to save the boy.

The reason I have an aversion to sunny side up eggs is because that's your brain on drugs.

"LFG!" is the most popular comment on the least interesting things. And the more O's you add to "go," the worse it is.

While watching Short Circuit, I realized the current American defense budget of a trillion dollars wouldn't look so bad if only our robot lasers could disintegrate Russian tanks AND de-pants estranged boyfriends being assholes.

It's just "possum." "O Possum" is their national anthem.

I wish my phone would stop autocorrecting "put" to "out." Or stop outting the keys so close together.

I know nothing about Pokémon or Pokéballs but my kids are playing one of the video games and all I hear is, "you literally don't have the balls to do that."

If there's ever a group of people that approach me and want me dead, I hope to take it in stride like in an 80s movie and just say, "we got company."

The worst time for your phone to die is right before changing the accidental laughing reaction to sad on someone's grieving FB post.

Old lady to the grocery store clerk: "Happy Valentimes." It was too adorable to take issue in my mind. We, indeed, Iive in Valen times, grandma. Enjoy that pork loin and multiple boxes of rice pilaf with the one you love.

We've gotten to the point that when school is closed because of ice, we think it's because of deportations.

Clients say I offer a real awkwardticity to their projects.

Is you is or is you ain't my grammar teacher?

Feb 2nd always makes my inner 12 year old self chuckle when I hear, "Gobbler's Knob."

I ate a candy heart that said, "Be Nine." Maybe it means good vibes during a biopsy or a lost bingo piece.

If I say 'bless you' when someone coughed but I thought it was a sneeze, I immediately it back and tell them to go to hell.

Jesus, Mary and JoBeth Williams

Has anyone ever counted backwards by Mississippis?

I was told to make my passwords complicated, so I always use: "MyRel@ti0nshipWithMyM0th3r"

I've been on this for 6 minutes and so far nazi free.