Chris Shoeler

jack donaghy: "That information is classified. At least until Dick Cheney dies which is gonna be a long time from now. That man is mostly metal."

Border Patrol agent Lairmore testifies that he was not injured by the sandwich, but he felt the impact through his ballistic vest.

The sandwich came apart and "kind of exploded" on his chest upon impact, he says.

"I could smell the onions and mustard."

every star trek episode is titled Ere Fire Down From Olympus Came and every plot is "what if a comet had a milf on it"

Oh god a Mike Modano Stanley Cup jersey? Cardinals by 50

Theres only like 4 public company CEOs that get more from their work than this lol

Dog

Bros

You employ some fucking dumbasses

Man Wouldn't Have Worn Costume To Work If He'd Known He Was Getting Laid Off

Man Wouldn't Have Worn Costume To Work If He'd Known He Was Getting Laid Off

Biblical Stud vs. Christ Bros for the national championship

JOE BUCK: Welcome to the top of the 47th
[Sun rises]
[Sun keeps getting bigger]
BUCK: yes
[World engulfed by flames]
BUCK: oh god yes

Too damn soon

GASTON IN HIS BATHROOM SIX HOURS AFTER HOSING FIVE DOZEN EGGS: (in a rich baritone) UGHHHHH. UHHHH. aaaaAAAAAAAHGGG

What are we doing here

bsky.app/profile/karl...

Hell yeah

Person in an inflatable chicken suit making their way across the bridge. Protesters in Portland, Oregon, have popularized wearing inflatable animal costumes at rallies against the Trump administration

I was always too scared to search it myself but word on the street was that white house dot com was pornography

School district IT guy about computer lab access to white house dot com in the mid 2000s

007 struggling against his restraints: you can't cook those chicken nuggets with the fries, blofeld. you'll burn one and undercook the other

blofeld: fret not, mr. bond. this air fryer has dual zones

You can find him in the buffet at lunch, eating the same ham and cheese sandwich he has for decades

guy with fake job tells people to do something impossible

Somehow Facebook makes a ton of money by selling your info to advertisers but if this is the push notifications they're sending me because they think it'll make me use their product they might not have much on me

You can only join the Texas national guard if you look like you ate Kyle Rittenhouse

I love the fact that football is determined to give us so much comedy this year

Insane production decisions trying to make a tv show instead of showing a live sporting event

Lying LeBron

As soon as I saw that Cincinnati Bearcats tight end tweet “I just gave a squirle a peice of bread and it straight smashed all of it!!!! I had no idea they ate bread like that!! Haha #crazy” I just knew the world’s biggest musician would one day write a song about his boners

Whenever I see Jerry and Stephen Jones together in the press box

They should let you play balatro in the jury box if a witness is boring or just has bad vibes