Faucets Delta Co

I'm now giving out free illegal advice. Tell me your problem and I will recommend something illegal to do about it

I'm lucky. My team is tanking, so I get to take this whole year off from the rituals

Accidentally gave my dog her dinner two hours early. She is devastated. She said she needs more dinner to make up for it

Do you hate me and think I'm irredeemable? Or do you love me and think I'm irredeemable? Which one?

I love feeding all of my thoughts to The Void™. I love The Void™. The Void™ loves me. The Void™ is my boyfriend. I am marrying The Void™ inside of The Void™. Void Vore®

Look, it's either this or I start journaling

90% of posters hit "post" right before they're about to think of a way better way to phrase the post

Me: "I'm gonna get straight As in school this time"
Friend: "maybe just focus on passing"

So it's like that?

Thanks to years of training and patience, I have reduced the time it takes me to go from zero knowledge of something to having big opinions on that thing down to mere seconds

The Pacers were starting to get too healthy. Had to ritually sacrifice Johnny Furphy to keep the tank alive

I am actually having experiences fairly regularly, to tell you the truth

I'm going to fuck the Declaration of Independence

Q&A after a lovely time hanging out with a dear friend:
Q: did I act weird?
A: absolutely, without a doubt
Q: are they gonna tell everyone I'm weird?
A: probably already have
Q: do they hate me now?
A: they say they don't. Inconclusive
Q: same time next week?
A: if you're lucky, you little freak

I'm starting a cult, but no one is allowed to join

I thought Marty Supreme was a Taco Bell secret menu item

Despite what Gordon Ramsay might tell you, it is not a crime to use your teeth when eating food

Call me Gavin Newsom the way I'm blaming this imaginary scenario on trans people

Gotta make absolutely sure to preemptively blame this imagined scenario on trans people too

I hope this email finds you attractive

I once again suspect that all of my friends secretly hate me. When confronted, they claim this isn't the case. But it wouldn't be much of a secret if they just came out and admitted it, now would it?

Buldak ramen hurts me whenever I eat it and I still come crawling back. That should be all the rating they need

You don't understand. If I can't use my wealth to commodify a basic human necessity, I will literally have to get a job

Girl who is simultaneously terrified of being too boring and too interesting

I'd actually rather not think about it, but thank you for giving me the option

They were also specifically restricted from selling pet supplies, which I'd have pushed back on if I was them, but no one asked me

Going through old work files and found a lease my company did with a sex shop. It says they could exclusively sell "novelties and related items," but that's so ambiguous it could mean basically anything. I'd have insisted on an itemized product list

Trent Redden to Kevin Pritchard:

Better than the times they've confidently told me shit that's verifiably wrong ig

The amount of times my doctor has looked me in the eyes and just given me one of these 🤷‍♀️

Doctor: Why did you refuse to cover this prescription?
Insurance: We don't know what it's for
D: I told you when I first prescribed it
I: We forgot
D: It allows the patient to sleep and makes her not wanna kill herself
I: Oh... Oof... Wanting to kill yourself sounds like a pre-existing condition...