Andy Beckerman

During the low periods of my life I could see only one set of footprints, so I said, "Lord, where were you when I needed you the most?”

“What’s that?” Jesus yelled to me from the snack bar, wiping mozzarella stick grease off his face. “Uh, oh the footprints? Crazy, right? Hey, you want a hot dog?”

Christ, people, it's just a jeans ad, okay?

😁😁😁

Had a great conversation with Andy about pretty much everything.

Hi, I'm a typical British dish. I'm heavily-salted ham baked into the middle of an orange-spiced poundcake. My name is Sores of an Old Newt.

The Beginnings episode graphic featuring a picture of comics writer Mark Russell smiling in a suit in front of a hedge.

Some distraction from dystopia with a brand-new episode of Beginnings...

Nice talk with comics writer @manruss.bsky.social! “Blue collar” Springfield, Oregon; Apollo 13’s heat shield; Kurt Vonnegut’s humanism; Foursquare Evangelicals & virtue ethics + MORE!

🎧 tinyurl.com/BeginningsMR...

•Sealed Away by Magic, I Now Raise Crabs and None of Them Will Talk to Me Even Though They Can Speak

•My Grandmother's Ghost Lives Inside These Dice and Won't Stop Criticizing the Way I Play Backgammon

•The Goblin King Has Too Many DUIs, So Guess Who Has to Drive His Drunk Ass Around Now?

Hey, so it turns out that the wages of sin are actually $8/hr

Not from the Piece of Shit Awards!

Not sure I like that music now has a subscription model where I have to pay a monthly fee to hear the chorus of my favorite songs

starting a gofundme to help replace the labubu I lost at the foreskin restoration clinic

Bringing a book with me everywhere is the closest I get to knowing what it’s like to be one of those “conceal and carry” guys. Like, I know I’m never going to read it, but it feels good knowing it’s in my bag should I need it.

At the Riyadh Comedy Festival, if you bomb, Lockheed-Martin sells you to Mohammed bin Salman

At the Riyadh Comedy Festival, instead of pulling bad comics off stage with a hook, they dismember you with a bonesaw

At the Riyadh Comedy Festival, comics are finally free to say whatever they [redacted]

Very excited to announce I will be competing on the next season of Piss Island!

Herr Goebbels Angered By Anti-Nazi Wit Comedians Banned For Humorous Remarks on Leaders --The Montreal Star, 4 Feb 1939

1939

Listening to a science podcast discuss commercial space travel happening in “10 to 15” years as if the society that could do that hasn’t already devolved into a scumpond of morons. In 10-15 years, I won’t be in space; I’ll be in a landfill, battling Knifey Joe to the death for a bottle of Dasani

Wait til you hear about what Agent Cooper hasn’t been doing

this was a delightful conversation and i don't think i said anything too stupid this time

“My name is Crypt K, and I’m an alco-MAUL-ic. It’s been 87 SLAYS since my last drink. I’ve been taking a fearless invenGORY. It’s been a difficult year, er, I mean diffOCCULT FEAR.”

It was great hanging out for an hour!

*Liberal centrist standing with a clipboard next to scale with someone from Gaza sitting on it, pen hovering above an empty checkmark box*

“Aaaaaaaand, okay, I can make a statement, that’s definitionally ‘starvation’.”

Some distraction from dystopia with a brand-new episode of Beginnings...

Good times with @roryblank.bsky.social! Pain & having a body; homeschooling; Twin Peaks: The Return; El Paso and Juárez + SO MUCH MORE!

🎧 tinyurl.com/BeginningsRo...

They say death comes in threes, so public health, liberal democracy and ???

We have the laziest orb weaver in history. Half the week, he just leaves his web up, and I’m like, “Buddy, you don’t pay rent, you eat our bugs, at least make your fucking bed in the morning.”

Between covid being linked to cognitive decline and ChatGPT use being linked to cognitive decline, as a society, we’re in for a real, uh… a real… celery? Jellybean?

I know, I know that body shaming someone is wrong, but can I please get an exemption for a dingdong like Ross Douthat to say he looks like Kuato had a spa day?

For everyone who’s like, “Now America is fascist” after Colbert was canceled by Trump, what was it before with the secret police and black site prisons and concentration camps? What’s that? Uh-huh. I see! It’s only *fascism* if a *white* person is affected! Got it!

I was caught on the Phillies’ “Throwing Only D Batteries at the Mascot” cam throwing skee-balls at the Phillie Phanatic, and now my life is falling apart

Finding out a well-known writer is actually a CIA-asset, 1972: “Hang him! Kill the corrupt piece of shit!”

Finding out a well-known writer is actually a CIA-asset, 2025: “Yes, girl! Get that bag!”