Andy Beckerman

A b&w still of Ebenezer Scrooge looking out his window from an old movie version of A Christmas Carol.

“You boy, what day is it? Uh-huh. Tuesday! Oh my, I *must* buy one of those newfangled calendars one of these days. While I have you here, do you remember the name of that be-snouted alien that eats cats? No, his real name! Willie named him ALF! He has a different name on Melmac. Gordon something.”

“Matt Rife” is short for “Matt Rife with Venereal Disease”

I'd like to thank the Committee for Behaving Like a Normal Person at a Party for this award for not once bringing up American nazis, Covid or neoliberalism to a single person at the party I was at last night. It was an honor to discuss UK Celebrity Traitors & not bird flu's 50% mortality rate.

Charlie Browns mom: Waaah wah wah wah waaah waaah waaah wah

Charlie Brown: oh, you mean pigpen

Charlie browns mom: Wah way. Waaaah wahwahwah wah wah waaah waaaah wahwhawah wah wah

Charlie Brown: yeah I get that. It’s pretty bad over there but I don’t think they hit him

Tried to shop here today, and the salesperson looked me up and down, and said, “Are you lost, boo? The 99¢ store is two blocks east.”

We are the daughters of the cats Alf couldn't eat

You know, Sarah Hurwitz is right, if you can just divorce your brain from the myriad images of shredded Palestinian children, and listen to the cold logic of what she's saying, you can say rationally, and not emotionally, that everything she says is the demented ramblings of a psychotic halfwit.

Also, like what, the Nazis were a bunch of dumb, drooling simpletons who one day studied US history & the genocide part of their brain grew like the Grinch’s heart? The US does mountains of evil shit, but it’s not uniquely evil among the colonial monsters. Please just let us call fascists “nazis”.

#YesAllChainsaws

When you call ICE "nazis", very online people pop up to say *actually* Nazi Germany got ideas from the Jim Crow South. Here's the thing, considering 50% of America is functionally illiterate, I'm gonna namecheck the bad guys from FAMOUS MOVIE Indiana Jones rather than Corporal Cornelius Vandertits

Excited to announce I am now an Evangelical influencer, and Fox Faith has asked me to premiere a clip from their new Jesus podcast series starring Kristen Bell as Mary Magdalene & Neal McDonough as Jesus! #ReadRevelations

Rolling out the Matt Christman quote from after Charlottesville (2017) again:

Which is the true proof of her being a cretin, thinking Who Framed Roger Rabbit is real or getting into the AI scam at the top of the bubble? I mean, I guess both?

If you really want to see the lady Gremlin and a pregnant Yoda embracing like in a Sears maternity photo, just pay an artist, okay?

Since LLMs can never capture its symbolic nature, there will always be a natural limit on what they can actually do. Beyond the unconscionable stuff and the plagiarism and all the things that should make one ashamed to use gen AI in the first place, they will *never* be able to do what they promise.

Human language is inherently symbolic. It has temporal breadth and depth. It is rife with metaphor, malapropisms, fantasy and artistry. It isn't merely "word point to thing in world", which is what all the math LLMs are based on does.

LLMs are based on language as being referential. I say "duck" and it refers to a duck, the animal. Or I mean, maybe, "dodge". But that's not actually how language works. LLMs are like using a child's drawing of Pennsylvania to navigate driving from Altoona to Pittsburgh.

Anyway, as the gen AI market is about to burst - and if anyone can lend me the money to short these freaks, and also explain to me exactly how to short these freaks - I wanted to say it was always inevitable because the theory of mind/language these dorks use is shoddy as fuck.

(Except on FanDuel™'s new Morality Prop Bets section, where you can make bank betting on the moral decisions of celebrities and politicians)

The fact that every use of gen AI draws the climate apocalypse closer & poisons poor people in real time should make it morally unconscionable to use. But considering there is now hard proof that half the ruling class are psychotic pedophiles, I'm not exactly betting on ethics to win out.

A drawing of Garfield and Heathcliff kissing in the V-J Day in Times Square photo.

Left out of the generative AI convo is the fact that IT WILL *NEVER* WORK in any real way because it is based on a defective model of how language works.

Pay artists to make things! I thought it'd be funny for Garfield to kiss Heathcliff like in the VJ Day photo, so I paid an artist to draw it!

An American flag t-shirt with a logo reading "Surfin' the soul-crushing waves of a dying empire" in a fiery font

Found this at the boardwalk next to the Big Johnson t-shirts.

If I get to reboot Six Feet Under, I'm updating the flash forward to everyone’s deaths: long covid, water wars, tornado full of buzzsaws, real long covid, shot by bird flu-tainted bullets, choked to death on a Raisinette, organs harvested by a maniacal billionaire, comically long covid & soul cancer

TV & film writers have spent decades trying to write nuanced, multifaceted villains, and then you read the half-literate ramblings of the imbeciles in the Epstein e-mails & realize the true way to write bad guys is to imagine them as Lennie from Of Mice and Men but with six different kinds of CTE

The weekly Beginnings promo pic. This week's guest is musician and founder of the famous Crammed Discs label Marc Hollander. The Beginnings logo is superimposed over him.

Some distraction from dystopia with a brand-new episode of Beginnings...

Nice talk with Marc Hollander of Aksak Maboul & founder of Crammed Discs! Growing up in post-war Brussels, decolonizing your aesthetic, parental desires & choosing your own path + MORE!

🎧 tinyurl.com/BeginningsAk...

When they start the propaganda campaign to recall him and install Epstein’s rotting corpse

Wanting to run cover for a newspaper helping to conceal a high society pedophile ring *after* it spent two years going “Who really know what the word ‘genocide’ even means, right?” is certainly a CHOICE

I heard from a friend that worked with the Coens that they would have done this if I had called it "It Buster Been Scruggs"

Hold on, the newspaper with an insanely bigoted anti-trans agenda so rabid, even sewer-creature Graham Linehan is like “Yikes”, this same newspaper covered up connections between Trump and Pedo King Epstein, whose island of horrors makes HH Holmes looks like AA Milne??? Quelle fucking surprise!

Are you telling me the newspaper that spent the last two years going gaga for genocide *also* helped cover up ties between The World's Most Famous Pedophile and Donald Trump?!? Existential vertigo, man; my whole worldview is now topsy-turvy