Imperator Fish

I don't understand all these open letters. I opened a letter this morning, but it was just my monthly Spark bill. Maybe I should have sent a copy of it to Stuff.

Bill Clinton please endorse my enemies

crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their consultants

An helpful reminder.

Analysis | One week ago, Pete Hegseth's embarrassing Signalgate dominated the news, and Trump needed to change the narrative. By tanking the world economy, he's done exactly that. The grand master of four-dimensional chess remains undefeated.

by Chris Cillizza

It turns out that Trump's promised Golden Age was just everyone selling their stocks and buying gold bullion.

Opinion | Government workers need to be more productive on the job. They can start by writing weekly emails detailing their progress to a drug-addled edgelord who will receive them while playing Diablo 4 with teenagers.

We should all start calling the US North Mexico.

they should make a boy who is not back in town

That said, fuck Assad and good riddance.

Everyone who follows the history of popular uprisings knows that Syria’s future is a golden one.

Bashar al-Assad’s biggest mistake? Not going on Joe Rogan.

Everyone treating the entire damn history of "maybe we should murder people who grew rich by extracting wealth from us" be like:

If this is rained out, we will be able to claim a moral victory surely.

And when I say “from here” I obviously mean at some point in the future, on some distant day, we will be in a position to win something.

Very confident of a Black Caps victory from here.

Sure yeah you all hate CEOs now, but you'll change your tune when you need someone who can disrupt workplace engagement paradigms and offer bold innovations in the metrics sector

Not as powerful as "See? My mom does like me after all" though.

To be fair to Pete Hegseth, "I swear I'll quit drinking if you'll just give me a chance" is a pretty powerful sales pitch.

Confuse your conservative relatives by saying Hunter Biden should be pardoned because the government shouldn't have the right to deprive you of owning a firearm.

Failed state

Looking at the recent polls, who’s next up when they roll Luxon?

Proposal to rename the COVID report ‘1,001 AMAZING THINGS ABOUT NEW ZEALAND’S CEO ROCKSTAR PRIME MINISTER’

Proposal to rename the Abuse in Care findings ‘ELEVATING BIG ROCKS GOING FORWARD: THE INSPIRATIONALISING CHRIS LUXON STORY!!!’

Maybe then he’d find time to look at them

James Bond movies never show the part where the supervillain collects government subsidies to build his death tech.

Prime Minister comfortable living by new radioactive waste facility A facility for storing all of the country's radioactive waste has been built in Manawatū.

Not really a surprise that he would, though. He shares a cabinet table with David Seymour www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/prime-min...

Couldn't disagree more. He very much deserves everything that is going to come to him next week or the week after, whatever that may happen to be.

To whom it may concern, I am interested in the position of [insert role]. I have no experience in this field, nor any of the required skills. Additionally I possess none of the personal attributes that make me in any way a suitable candidate. However, inspired by our nation’s current Prime Minister, I believe you should just give me the job. What I’d say to you is, as leader of this land, surely our Prime Minister sets the standard by which we should all be held. And thus, if he, whom one might, with great generosity, deem distinctly mediocre; devoid of any redeeming features be it of a professional or personal nature, can be selected for the highest role in the land, then surely you can hire me to do this. Why must there be prerequisites for a role answering a telephone, when there are none for a person answering to a nation? What I’d also say to you is, if you do not discover my mojo, and instead find me and performance subpar, out of touch, by any or indeed all measures inept - if not dangerously derelict in my duties - in three years, you can choose to find someone else to replace me. After all, what is the worst that might happen? Approximately 100,000 people taking to the streets in the largest hīkoi in our nation’s history - broadcast around the world - to register their grave discontent at my negligence? Lol, I think not. Our Prime Minister invites us to be more aspirational in our thinking, so, heeding his call and following his example, I will repeat, but this time louder, more forcefully, more red of face and thin of lip - more aspirationally, I’m saying to you - I am entitled to this job, so gimme. Yours sincerely,

inspired by our nation's leader, am thinking maybe I'll try a new approach in my search for gainful employment