elyse

My last memory is him screaming at me while undoing my seatbelt and trying to push me out of his car in the middle of a busy intersection because he didn't like something I said to him but now I have to see his very high-contrast wedding portrait every time I log in? No way.

If Facebook's algorithm is so smart, why is it repeatedly suggesting I add my asshole ex's wife as a friend when every "friend" we have in common is someone I've blocked? This might be the final straw for me to quit Facebook, honestly.

Happy World Lemur Day to the real ones. The lemurs, I mean. Nobody else matters today.

I have it on my nipples too 😭😭😭 i tried to google my symptoms and half of the results were AI porn

Having my routine breakdown over increasingly severe eye irritation that my dermatologist says an ophthalmologist needs to treat and my ophthalmologist says a dermatologist needs to treat. Is there an ophthaldermatologist out there who will agree that having ECZEMA in my EYELASHES isn’t trivial?

In this episode, when God comes to Eric Effiong in his mind and says "I made you this bright so others can see in the darkness" I BELIEVE that the show was quoting something God has actually said to Ncuti Gatwa IRL. Prove me wrong!

a man in a colorful jacket says wow in a netflix ad ALT: a man in a colorful jacket says wow in a netflix ad

Watching the final episode of Sex Education. This might be the only Netflix series that they haven't completely fucked up in the final season. Lots to love about this show, but let's be honest with ourselves, Ncuti Gatwa is this show's treasure. Love him. Cherish him. Protect him at all costs.

But who in particular is the germiest of the germiest? I’d like to enter my 2yo for consideration.

Awhile back he used to insist on reading this hand-me-down book we have about the Nativity. On the last page there is an illustration of toddler Jesus holding a lamb with the words "And do you know who that baby grew up to be? Jesus our lord and savior" but W would always interrupt and answer "ME!"

We were listening to the Shins' son Mildenhall this morning and my son heard the lyric "a band called the Jesus and Mary Chain" and started giggling. "He's singing about Cheezits!" Kid is more familiar with snacks than church. I love that for him.

For the record, yes, this book is targeted to older kids but the zombies are a guileless horde. Like a troop of troublesome monkeys minus the cute. I emphasized that on every page. And yet he ratted me out; me, his cool mom who invented fart-like sound effects for peas knocking off zombie heads.

Last night W insisted I read him the Plants vs. Zombies comic that came up on Libby when he searched "zombies." I asked him at eight (8) different points if it was too scary and he said no each time. After bedtime C reported that W told him "it is too hard to sleep when we read scary books"

▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓░░░░ 80.00%

Eating less/no animal products (especially beef), composting food waste, and demanding your community quickly transition away from fossil fuels are great ways to reduce methane emissions — and therefore help coral reefs because not all hope is lost!!

The world is run by extroverts who have no clue what introverts care about. Having to speak to a computer undermines everything I like about using a computer.

Me before having a preschool-aged boy: Why don't parents just teach their sons to be more respectful? It's so simple. When I'm a mom I will...

Me now: STOP HITTING DADDY WITH YOUR PENIS AND WIPE YOUR BUTT ALREADY

A Long-Awaited Longevity Mystery Solved Spotlighting an essential human biologic pathway targeted by drugs in clinical trials

When 2 life science discoveries converge: solving a ~3 decade mystery of extraordinary longevity and healthspan + an essential cell danger sensor
And related ongoing clinical trials!
erictopol.substack.com/p/a-long-awa...

I heard this piece yesterday! So cool!

My mom superpower is that I can have a bunch of clean toddler socks stuffed into one pocket and dirty toddler socks stuffed in the other pocket and remember which is which.

I'm afraid to read the entire list and realize it's all things my sons gleefully do now because at their tender young ages they have already intuited how to drive me nuts.

a little girl wearing a red jacket and a white fur coat is looking up . ALT: a little girl wearing a red jacket and a white fur coat is looking up .

My dad brought a box of my elementary school stuff, and tucked inside a pad of tracing paper, I found a manifesto for an organization I had created called "R.O.B." (revenge on boys) listing 20+ objectionable behaviors I was going to punish them (all of them?) for.

Cackling like a demon in my bedroom because @parentsvotedtrump.bsky.social followed me; it's a club nobody wants to belong to.... orphaned by the biggest cult in the US.

Strange to find out that my trump-supporting parents have strong opinions about Puff Daddy’s sentencing but claim to not know what the Epstein files are 🤔

Noisy, hungry frogs sadden farmer's life. They scare his cattle and they also eat his flannel shirt.

Become ungovernable

the @northcarolinagop.bsky.social mailed me about 10 different postcards last fall that explicitly say things like "Kamala Harris is spreading the lie that Donald Trump is part of Project 2025" and I kept them all because I knew they would deny saying it later.

snoopy is dancing on a red background with the word ocd written below him ALT: snoopy is dancing on a red background with the word ocd written below him

Nothing puts my brain back in order like editing someone else's writing... is there a diagnosis for this?

First time saying this sentence— parenthood is a wellspring of novel language.
“I don’t think you should put a magnet in your butt”

We listened to this story yesterday in the car. 4yo asked me to explain it. He understands vaccines better than many adults I know, simply because he is curious and they are not. His conclusion: “the president is a bad guy.”

'Very mean squirrel' seeking food has sent at least 2 people to the ER in a California city Residents of a San Francisco Bay Area city are on the lookout for an aggressive squirrel that has sent at least two people to the emergency room.

Other people out there are living my dream of being attacked by a squirrel. This world is so unfair. Come to me squirrel, I stock cheerios in my house for this exact reason and I am accustomed to small angry creatures biting me. apnews.com/article/aggr...

a cartoon of a woman standing behind a drum with tlc on the bottom ALT: a cartoon of a woman standing behind a drum with tlc on the bottom

Me this morning when my kid agreed to watch Magic School Bus