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COUSIN WHO IS FAKING "BARBIE SYNDROME" FOR ATTENTION: I am thankful for my rigid doll-like legs, where as you all know I can no longer move my ankles or my toes.

ME: I'm thankful that I levitated for 20 seconds meditating during No Fap November.

MY MOM: I too am thankful for Katelyn's Barbie legs.

Me: Imagine if every tear was an egg and every time you started crying there was 10-50 broken eggs on you. You leave a funeral and it’s like “crunch crunch crunch” (if the person was beloved).

Genie: That's your wish?

Me: No, we're just talking. Just being friends right now.

(to gas station attendant) hey man how’s it going. How do I set the pump to sips again? If I wanna drink some little sips? Sips don’t cost

every hour twitter gets 10x more republican

long distance best friendship; we just send videos of trisha paytas child malibu barbie back and forth we can’t believe how big she’s gotten

i started going to therapy again for the first time in… seven years ? thinking my therapist wants to be friends with me 😀

does anyone in birmingham have an alcohol plug? trying to get some beer this weekend

i don’t want to have sex i want to watch porn

smoking weed is classist. there are hundreds of millions of people who can’t afford weed at all and you’re smoking thirty gravs a day. you’re a piece of shit if you’re a pothead

i got some loud but no money babe buy me a fiji
she said you need a job bitch fuck a job i still get cheese