local man

Women do not realize that when they send me messages like this it gives me an erection and makes my job of driving the bus very difficult

This is exactly right. The Onion quietly left Twitter a month ago and... our weekly subscribers went up. It's because we're doing well here, on Instagram and on YouTube.

As a business, being on Twitter is somewhere between useless or detrimental, unless you're selling boner pills.

kind of amazing that everything trump does can be understood through the lens of narcissism and it's related needs (e.g., self aggrandizement, revenge, domination, grievance validation). i don't think any character has been so one-dimensional, not even wile e coyote or scrooge mcduck

You suck!

Every news story is now “State Senator Randy Pervert (R-Springfield) was indicted on 8 counts of lewd behavior with a child under 12 and has been put on paid leave from his two jobs as Border Patrol liaison and youth pastor at First Presbyterian (PCA) where parishioners say they were ‘blindsided.’”

Someone should ask Noem if she is cheating on her husband with Corey Lewandowsky the next time she is under oath.

Truth nuke

UK: Prince Andrew arrested.

South Korea: Former President Yoon sentenced for life.

Brazil: Former President Bolsonaro serving a 27-year sentence.

USA: President Trump demands $10 billion payout from taxpayers.

Was trying to remember a Will Forte quote from Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie and accidentally figured out how to make Google’s AI tool shut up

Colbert Doesn’t Give an FCC About Calling Out CBS

Stephen Colbert said that the FCC and CBS - which is in no way a compromised or complicit organization - wouldn’t allow him to broadcast an interview with Democratic State Rep James Talarico. www.nytimes.com/2026/02/17/a...

re:your "Ace Ventura goes to Epstein Island" script—we like the concept. We th ink its very good. But it borrows too many jokes from AV1 & 2

thought that was a Conner O'Malley character for a second

danny's original tweet which reads, Today, students at my high school in Chicago held an Anti-ICE protest. I was the only one that decided to hold a sign that said ‘I Love ICE’. Instead of allowing me to express my opinion, I was assaulted — Just for standing up for law enforcement. What is happening to America? there is a 47 second video that sees multiple other kids talk smack to him and one of them just lays into him physically

a quote tweet that has transcription from the punch. the tweet reads:“You’re gonna punch me?” “Yeah” “Then you’re gonna in trouble for that” “Okay” Followed by this frame is one of the hardest things I’ve seen on the internet this week. the frame in question is the kid winding up for a punch. it looks exactly like the pepe punching meme

over on x the everything app some Chicago high school kid named Danny Spud tried to disrupt his school's anti-ICE protest by yelling about how much he loves ICE and then filmed himself getting walloped by a fellow student lmao

the quote tweet making fun of him has 3x the likes

[guy from the 1300's writing a review about the local tavern]

Columbia Dental Student Remembered by Hundreds at Memorial Service Friends and family described Jiwon Lee, who struggled with depression, as a leader and storyteller.

Seems like she was suffering from depression and committed suicide.

www.dnainfo.com/new-york/201...

now that you have revealed yourself as a watch guy, how do we know you're not buying the shrek statue to get in the good graces with your AD

great, now even the foidcels are jestermaxxing on me

It's not a new observation at this point but that wild Noem/Lewandowski story in WSJ really brings home the extent to which all the Trump 2 cabinet-level goblins see their jobs as flying private, doing short-form video, and screaming at underlings. They all hate each other and none of them can read.

So true

I'd be willing to do the same

This cretin should sell his stake in the Giants, preferably to someone less evil than the Koch family.

Ring is first and foremost a scheme to charge Amazon customers to deter crime that costs Amazon (not the customers themselves) billions annually in refunds, returns, double shipping, and customer service overhead.

They never will. Way too valuable and profitable to the extent that the app is essential to the functioning of the business at this point.

For some reason I thought curling would be as cool to my 4 year old as it is for me. The correct answer was snowboarding.

So an ICE agent kidnapped Nancy Guthrie?

You can buy gas from a third party, but National Grid is still the only utility provider. YMMV on whether or not you will save money by buying gas or electricity from a third party.

Utilities are a monopoly unfortunately...

Terrified Conservatives Lose Ability To Speak English After Exposure To Bad Bunny Performance

Terrified Conservatives Lose Ability To Speak English After Exposure To Bad Bunny Performance https://theonion.com/terrified-conservatives-lose-ability-to-speak-english-after-exposure-to-bad-bunny-performance-dios-mio-cry-millions-of-panicking-republicans/

WOKE 2 IS HERE