Em

A young dad wearing lululemon and pushing his newborn in a Doona stroller with one hand is my nemesis

Oh you want to know what I’m reading?? Well I want know why you think you can enter my mind and judge my choices and learn all my weird thoughts and opinions!!! Those are for ME

The rhythm is nice and no one is around to see me trip and the birds don’t actually mind

Gong out to annoy the birds and clear my mind with my jump rope on the driveway at 7am

When I’m playing video games but I have chores to do I’ll pause the game and race to do my chore as quickly as possible to get back to my game and as I’m writing this I’m realizing this is a tactic I use on difficult children all the time bye

Anyway I made biscuits but I made them too tall again and they fell over

It’s my kitchen I’ll leave little flour fingerprints all over the cabinets if I want to

lol no I’ve never had zoup but love the concept

Yesterday I went to work AND did laundry AND went grocery shopping AND cooked dinner and I did not feel good about all that I accomplished. I felt robbed of my short time on earth

To clarify I don’t think all the bad things are going to stop happening I just think we might get a little treat

Guys I’m feeling hopeful for spring. CALL ME A FOOL IF YOU WANT but something good is going to happen

My antisocial cat is perched on my shoulder I feel so powerful and witchy

I want a restaurant that’s the same concept as Panera like soups and nice sandwiches etc but I want it to be good and not disgusting

Do you think my little figurines love me back

The IRS writes tax forms this way because they want you to bash your head into a wall but only if your spouse makes less than $5k per minute and your paternal grandmother had a bank account so if you subtract your freshman year bio grade from your current checking balance write the total on the

Am I dramatic? Or am I allowing myself to be fully immersed in the human experience? I will not limit myself

If you’ll excuse me I need to go bake a cake in order to think this through

Omg no I have to try!!

I really only need a job to support my Icelandic yogurt habit

Staring blankly into my chamomile tea instead of screaming

I recommend doing 800 things that bring you joy each day during these dark times

I have no idea if this is grammatically correct but I’m sure it’s good enough

Ciao a tutti…. andrò a vivere a casa della nonna di mio marito in Italia e comprerò una piccola macchina…. Con o senza mio marito………,,,….ciao

Ok update I’m actually killing it today so maybe a horrifying dream is exactly what I needed

What could I (a woman of prime reproductive age living in Tennessee) have to be stressed about?

Last night I had a dream that three of my front teeth fell out do we think thats a good sign for my two job interviews today ?

A man just used my cute bathroom and left the toilet seat up. I swear to god I forgot that this something people do. In what world does a bathroom featuring tiny glass figurines and framed artwork suggest leaving the toilet seat open is an acceptable action? Not mine!!!

I personally wouldn’t mind if a little mouse decided to take up residence inside my walls and built a little sitting room to read books and drink tea

I have so many mean thoughts in my head but I’m so scared of getting in trouble for speaking my truth!!!!! Everyone who is cool come over and I’ll tell you my honest thoughts under a big blanket where no one will hear us

Every time a child calls me Emmy my heart grows three sizes like the grinch