itotheizzo.bsky.social

Picture 1: doctor looking at chart tells patient, "Your body has run out of magnesium." Picture 2: patient replies with a smile, "0mg"

If ninjas aren’t real, how do you explain me getting my ass kicked by a kid wearing a ninja costume

Your secrets are safe with me because I really, really don’t care.

GM 🖤

Don't let anything stop you today

ME: [texting wife] How did you get on at the doctor.

HER: Type 2 diabetes

ME: 2 diabetes

HER: Don't be there when I get home.

Sing to me come my lady come come my lady you're my butterfly sugar baby

#lotr
#crazytown

interviewer: how are your listening skills?

me: absolutely

A bear faces two fisherman standing in a lake.

“Well fellas, whichever one of you is faster will have a great story to tell.”

For the record, I didn’t fuck around and I am nevertheless being made to find out.

who is this rorschach guy and where did he get all the pictures of my parents fighting.

No, these are my formal Crocs. We're at a wedding, Sharon.

If Walz were VP, he could have taken Zelenskyy ice fishing. They could have had a few beers and maybe a friendly argument about whether Kyiv or Minneapolis is colder in winter.

One time I was on a date and when she told me she was an army chef I said 'so you're in the mealitary' lol and then she put me in a headlock and threw me out the window.

i wonder if trebeck’s wife was ever like “i’ll take ‘the d’ for $400, alex” or were they humorless

Telling my dentist I acci-DENTALLY hit her Mercedes while parking

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

Most Looney Tunes characters are effectively indestructible but I don’t think that’s true for Pepe Le Pew. I bet if you ran him over with a car he’d just die.

JOB INTERVIEW

Me: I’m detail oriented.

Also me: (I’ve lived in the same house for 7 years and have no idea when it’s trash day)

DATING TIP: PLAY HARD TO GET. CLIMB THE TREE IN THEIR FRONT YARD. GET STUCK & ASK THEM TO PLEASE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.

Costco, which has come out saying it supports DEI, will make no changes to its existing programs, AND pays workers a minimum of $30/hour, is up 15% YTD.

Target, which announced it is ending all DEI programs and has a minimum wage of $15-$24/hour, is down over 4%.

Keep voting with your wallet.

volcanoes are the earth’s buttholes

A cat looks at a kitten wedged upside down between two couch cushions.

there comes a point in every parent's life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

Tim: This is Tim from accounting

Me: Hi Tim from accounting

Tim: Just say Tim

Me. Tim

Tim: How are you today?

Me: Tim

A cat wearing a “cone of shame” has it pressed squarely against its person’s face.

“CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? I SAID MY FOOD DISH IS EMPTY.”

Man, Costco is led by someone who is prepared to die over hotdog costs. They ain't scared of you.