Ready Salted

hear me out here, what if none of it is a 'distraction' and they're just doing a lot of horrible shit simultaneously

My only qualm with both Freakier Friday AND Weapons is that neither had enough June Diane Raphael for me liking!

Nope.

every single day since 2016 has felt like pressing a spoon into the seam on a Pillsbury can

Laundry day:
1. Put stuff in washer
2. Play video game while you wait
3. Forget about the stuff in washer
4. Put clothes in dryer 8 hours later when you finally remember

closeup on Idris Elba/Stringer Bell with caption "I want you to put the word out there that we back up."

the hummingbirds in my neighborhood watching me refill their empty feeders

Women take contraceptives for a lot more than just birth control: Painful cramping, heavy menses, and mood regulation come immediately to mind.
This is another dangerous patriarchal attack on women and the medical community should 100% VIGOROUSLY OPPOSE this!!

garmin sandiego

There’s a cricket in my office that won’t shut up. Is this what having a wife is like?

Mmm... Fictional tart realized

Spicy Pickled Cauliflower | Craving Something Healthy This crisp, pickled cauliflower is packed with rich, spicy flavors from turmeric, ginger, and garlic. It's a perfect appetizer.

Put this in your pipe and smoke it, Fat Gandalf!

-Said with love

My friend,
the historian, says
she is worried.

My friend,
the epidemiologist, says
they are worried.

My friend,
the climatologist, says
he is worried.

My friend,
the activist, says
she is worried.

My friends,
I must tell say,
what worries me
are the people
who aren’t worried.

Where i live 'puss' is old person slang for face so sometimes when im enjoying a cream soda i like to say im 'creaming up my puss'. People love it. They delight in my wit.

I feel like there’s two “25 years ago”s and one of them is the year 2000 where we had like computers and the internet and email and shit and the other one “25 years ago” is a mixture of 1978 and somewhere around 1800

The secret of life is being a smoking hot transsexual woman.

Puddle of Mutt is what I call my dog on days over 23C.

Ducks walking on Hydrangea petals.

[Austria, 1961]

Mrs. Schrödinger raps gently on the side of her husband’s coffin, then presses her ear against the cool mahogany, listening intently. She stands up slowly, nods, and watches with lingering trepidation as the box is lowered into the ground.

dear everyone
fkn alt text your images so my word filters work and i don’t have to look at that useless fuckhead on my timeline in the morning.
thanking you.

Since a LOT of images on my timeline have been lacking alt text I think it’s time for a quick refresher: Alt text is important for users who rely on screen readers. The Bluesky community has long prided itself on being accessible, and we need your help to keep it that way.

Light blue Mr Sketch crew, you're with me.

Prolonged craving for a small grilled sausage or hot dog in a bun.

You ever dance with the devil in the pale fridge light?

CUSACK, BACK TO BACK: IT'S A DOUBLEHEADER, BABY!

someone should reshoot mad men frame for frame but for every time they light a cig instead they’re cracking a coke zero

Death Cab for Pootie Tang

You shut your mouth, Dad!

...wow, never thought I'd get the chance to say that.

To be fair, cheese and bread had to walk before cheese and crackers could run.

All hail the Ploughman's Lunch, for you have nourished us so.