Cat Fancy Magazine

Notice: Any images I post will not include descriptive alt text, because haven’t the blind suffered enough?

It would be really funny if they brought James Bond back and killed him off again.

I just slipped a disc in my neck, blew on it like a Nintendo cartridge, and slowly pushed it back into place. Now I'm completely fine!

UPDATE: Uh oh

It’s addiction enrollment season again, and I can’t decide whether to stick with the full-coverage videogame plan or switch to a slightly cheaper one where I keep buying art supplies I’ll never use. There’s also binge drinking, but that's way too basic... hmm could get supplemental alcoholism tho

Keep ascending until you reach the summit. Set down a rally flag and wait for a Portillo's Beef Bus® to spawn in. Deploy caltrops immediately to prevent escape. As soon as it's down, eat everything inside in under 30 minutes, including the driver. You will need a full group for this.

When someone asks how my day is going, I don't know where to start. Can I just give you the incident number and move on?

I ran outta money, so I've decided to become a professional thief. How do I submit my résumé? I found a nice one on LinkedIn.

I kind of hope I don't have kids because I don't want to have to thoughtfully answer questions about death, suffering, or purpose (fyi "You die and you're dead", "Sometimes shit hurts forever" and "Comfort yourself accordingly") because they'd likely rebel and be an idiot anyway. Good job, sweetie.

In roughly 33 years of life, Jesus Christ never managed to build up any wealth or own property. And if his cult hadn’t taken off post-humorously, he’d just be another brokeass lost to history. Christians ended up worshipping an insane but nice guy and became like the folks who killed him. Amazing.

I can't wait until the AI bubble bursts and then even the machines don't have jobs anymore either lol

Executing suspects without a lawful reason is illegal. No matter how anyone tries to spin it, these murders do not meet the criteria for justified use of military force and violate human rights. Arrest and prosecute all of those who ordered it and those who carried it out.

My social skills are so bent that when someone says ‘Hey, got a minute to talk?’ my brain translates it as ‘Your time has come, I will find you and kill you.’ Still absolutely down to chat though. My home is boobytrapped and the floor is Legos. It's not paranoia, I'm just really READY.

I don't refer to my partner as a golden retriever boyfriend because he is overly affectionate and positive, it's because he randomly gets the zoomies and knocks shit over.

I saw an ENT for dizziness and tinnitus. He said it was probably neurological, but my sinuses are fucked, so I was sent home with a nasal wash system and a prescription for a specialty pharmacy whose website doesn't work anymore.

I think I should pretend none of that happened. Whaddaya think, chat?

When doctors keep suggesting my symptoms are just anxiety, hearing that instead of getting actual treatment is now actually giving me anxiety.

How do I get the “rude” tag on my account? I am living a lie without it

Should I be worried that my houseplant seems to be slowly crawling out of its pot and making an escape towards the Canadian border?

There was a support group for people who had been successfully trolled by tendiedozing Trump dickriders ‘invading Bluesky’ and nobody joined

If you're convinced that Antifa is trouble, just wait until you learn about Antisol-la-ti-do

Making sockpuppet accounts to give fake engagement to JD Vance on Bluesky is so lame. It’s like blasting fake applause from a Bluetooth speaker while everyone can see nobody else is clapping. The man is as unappealing as an unsalted pretzel.

I overslept and missed attending the protest yesterday. I suppose that means I'm not as 'woke' as the Republicans say I am.

Back in school, during the Great Moral Panic™ of the late 20th century, teachers made us say “die” instead of “dice” because otherwise it sounded connected to gambling. Three decades later, we’re all casually addicted to different forms of gambling and nobody can really use that word in public.

The Heritage Foundation do be dreaming of a white Christmas.

It's Rosh Hashanah! Happy Jew Year!

Words ≠ Violence

No matter how triggered you get, don't kill someone over speech. Your misguided lil monke brain wants excuses to lash out. Regimes use violent reactions to justify censorship, repression, and surveillance. Charlie Kirk’s killer is a dipshit who just gave MAGA an ez propaganda win.

I forgot to set a timer on the oven, so I’m baking a chicken based on ~vibes~

My recliner broke, and not in the most useful way. I have to take a running leap just to get onto it.

What do you call a recliner that's stuck in the recline position? A commitment.

I'm so emotionally dead that when a dog on a leash walked by everyone, it suddenly stopped in its tracks and stood fixated on me for a full minute. It was weird. Maybe it was a cadaver dog?

Every time I go outside, I just want to come back in. When I'm inside, I want to go back out. The liminal spaces in between feel like nothing but anxiety corridors.

I’m managing a significant amount of mental stress at the moment. It's so bad, I have keep one of those hospital room 4K nature videos with ambient music on loop in the background, the kind they use to calm down trauma patients, just to function.