Levi Viridi

My bin was also once stolen in what I strongly suspect was a premeditated attack. I reported it, but the police said there wheelie wasn’t any evidence. The case was thrown out. My reputation trashed. Sure the cops tried to comfort me with the same old recycled cliches, but it felt rubbish..

Getting democratic accountability from a Tory is a like trying to get a heart-bypass from an undertaker.

I’m not saying you couldn’t find an undertaker who is also a surgeon, but I’d be a bit anxious if the geezer cutting me open might also get a bit of extra business if it doesn’t all go to plan..

They say pessimists die younger.
To be honest, I have my doubts.

Slept in my Talking Heads shirt and found myself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife, and I’m telling you I had *no idea* how I got there.

Billionaire (big cash)

Limited positions available. Applicants to show a disregard for workers, cartoonishly villainous love for capitalism, obsession with phallic space apparatus. Psychopathy is a plus but messianic complex also acceptable. Private jet, army plus luxury fallout shelter included!

Human Skull in Post-Apocalyptic Hellscape (self employed)

No application required, but apathy is a must. Candidates will exude confidence in the stability of the world and a deep pessimism towards doom sayers (see Sandwich Board guy).

Ignorance is required, but confident ignorance is preferred.

Fascist Boot Licker (24K p/a)

Have you ever wanted to be bossed around by a manly looking man who almost definitely has a small penis? Unable to think in terms other than violence? Angry right now? Prepare to party like it’s 1924. No pension plan but you will definitely be “retired” at some point.

TOP JOBS IN 2024 🪡🧵

Man With Sandwich Board (18k p/a)

Candidates will have a strong back and weak mind for conspiracy, ability to spell preferred but not essential, PPE will be supplied (flat cap). No experience necessary as full pessimism training will be given.

God angle completely optional.

2024’d better brace itself for all the public domain AI generated Steamboat Willie porn that’s obviously heading its way.

Maximum respect for refusing the sockless silliness 🤜🤛

Man wearing dress shoes WITHOUT socks, for sweaty, uncomfortable reasons unknown. As displeasing as it is to look at as it presumably to wear…

Of course the trend these days is to go for the “sockless look” — for reasons completely unknown to me — is it a time saver? An aversion to poly-cotton blends? A statement against unwanted Xmas presents? A subconscious, repressed rebellion of the times mummy made them put their socks on for school?

Wow. Not even a farmhouse. *Anything* other than basic white might be acceptable. Have they never heard of rye; pumpernickel, sourdough — a nice thick slice of Sainsbury’s multi-seeded wholegrain!?

Savages.

I like how you’ve pictured the counter “Five ways to fuck British politics” for balance.

I selected the wrong pillow last night and will be spending the remaining holidays in a full body cast.

Come on now chaps, this isn’t twitter.

Keir Starmer. He's just Brylcreem'd his hair and is about to nail 10 pints of mild and 40 fags down the local Working Men's Club. It's bingo tonight and he's fucking serious about winning, he’s taking no prisoners, he’s playing two handed.

Double dabbin'.

The world is my oyster, undercooked, raw; I’m basically just shitting myself all the time.

I have two very distinct modes.