Trash Buffet

Not using a phone case just so I can condescendingly call anyone who points it out as a child that can’t be trusted with anything of value. *Actually just too lazy to buy a new case.

Baffling that people don’t realize they look like dementia patients with caretakers when they publicly ask AI to confirm very obvious researchable facts.

I have had to explain this to at least 2 of my ex wives.

Cosmopolitan Mag sex tip: You can simply pee in your partners vagina (where the pee comes from) and let her take care of it for the both of you later.

Little known fact, Mr. Bean was named for his mind blowing orgasms.

Not to brag but I received a Lou Bega CD featuring chart topping hit Mambo Number 5 in my Easter basket as a child.

The sautéed braised brain tumor at the Tesla diner is actually pretty tasty and 5% of every order goes to fund the donors funeral expenses.

The Democratic party is edging the position that innocent civilians dying is a bad thing.

Workshopping a Facebook Mom meme: Intermittent fasting, yeah I take naps.

My carpal tunnel is acting up stuffing all these Snickers bars with razor blades, when the fuck is Halloween?

Quick Monday Money Tip: You make more cash mowing grass than touching grass.

TED Talk: Something really important that has gone unaddressed for far too long, the format of 2 Truths and a Lie is far too restricting. The format needs 5 to allow for proper misdirection.

Kermit phone

When you call me into work on my day off, know this is what I am answering the call with.

Made a passionfruit mimosa and watching the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest. God bless America. 🇺🇸

Live your life in a way nobody calls you feckless, because you can’t have nerds talking shit about you.

My wife who doesn’t really watch movies somehow read that The Substance was a great date movie, and gotta say knowing nothing that was not what I was expecting.

My unreasonable boss said this week having “bad vibes” did not warrant an excused absence this Friday.

Today I am thinking about the dad on my cul de sac growing up that I would always see hand building an airplane in his garage, and I am not ready to ask my parents for an update.

Internet is the kind of place where I just watched John Stamos play Papa Roach on the drums and fucking kill it.

YouTube video by Paste Magazine Wheatus - Teenage Dirtbag - 12/13/2019 - Paste Studio NYC - New York, NY

Tiny desk just doesn’t fuck quite as hard as the weird Paste Magazine storage closet performances. youtu.be/ZvIzmTiYoPo?...

Bumper sticker that says “If you are looking for sign to stay alive. This is it.”

I think this more of a sign I should be a senior copy editor.

Fuck I have a white chest hair, I guess we are a refined gentleman now.

I would be cool with being the United States of minding our own fucking business.

Spending Father’s Day convincing my drunk uncle hummus is pronounced Hamas.

You could read 1000 self help business books, but all you are going to read can be summarized by: be kinda aggressive and an asshole when it comes to your money and promotions and otherwise be nice to others and work hard. Ideally also be smart.

Hating immigrants regardless of citizenship status is a disgusting character flaw.

Everyday on my grind I pursue a lucrative job offer received via text, and then my bank account is cleared to zero. A modern day Sisyphus tale.

In today’s interview, we sit down for a short, but broad conversation with Toadstool Johnson, a celebrity in the niche micropenis porn community. Link in bio.

I only use Urban Dictionary to laugh that others don’t have the same depth of knowledge on the lexicon of the youngs I totally know all these things.

With the percentage of people with PreCheck, we should return to basic metal detector bag scan security as standard, with a separate really obnoxious security line as a penalty for 2 years if you fuck it up.