Trash Buffet

Sometimes a kid asks you a question like how do ants not die in the winter and you realize you are an idiot who knows nothing.

Hunger games for AI CEOs and the winner gets to fight an army of AI robots and drones.

So what did they do with all of Jo-Ann’s fabrics? Where are they? What are they hiding?

So many species are going extinct , rainforests burning down, but is anyone going to call out the successful resurgence of the measles? Talk about pulling yourself up by the bootstraps.

Picture of a woman wearing weird ass glasses extenders

Trendy new way to look like an absolute freak just dropped. Run don’t walk to get yours.

Bought a top of the line stroller, a few thoughts:

1. Never worry about crossing the street everyone stops
2. So much storage
3. Easy seat on the train
4. People get really angry when they notice I am just pushing a backpack and a bunch of snacks around for some reason.

A philosopher once posited why do tears come at night, why might one cry cry cry at the lonely part if you are truly lucky nothing is missing in your life.

School shootings are bad and it wouldn’t be unreasonable to enact a few things to make them less likely to occur.

I bought and installed a ring camera for my wife to solve the mystery of some weirdo randomly leaving flower bouquets at our house (not joking) and after three hours I already want to jump off a bridge with these notifications.

Life sentences for apps that require pop notifications using those for ads.

Jail sentences for anyone putting message alerts on apps for ads.

Lazy rainy Saturday, just sitting at home by myself Jack Antonoff.

I refuse to figure out what a labubu is.

Not using a phone case just so I can condescendingly call anyone who points it out as a child that can’t be trusted with anything of value. *Actually just too lazy to buy a new case.

Baffling that people don’t realize they look like dementia patients with caretakers when they publicly ask AI to confirm very obvious researchable facts.

I have had to explain this to at least 2 of my ex wives.

Cosmopolitan Mag sex tip: You can simply pee in your partners vagina (where the pee comes from) and let her take care of it for the both of you later.

Little known fact, Mr. Bean was named for his mind blowing orgasms.

Not to brag but I received a Lou Bega CD featuring chart topping hit Mambo Number 5 in my Easter basket as a child.

The sautéed braised brain tumor at the Tesla diner is actually pretty tasty and 5% of every order goes to fund the donors funeral expenses.

The Democratic party is edging the position that innocent civilians dying is a bad thing.

Workshopping a Facebook Mom meme: Intermittent fasting, yeah I take naps.

My carpal tunnel is acting up stuffing all these Snickers bars with razor blades, when the fuck is Halloween?

Quick Monday Money Tip: You make more cash mowing grass than touching grass.

TED Talk: Something really important that has gone unaddressed for far too long, the format of 2 Truths and a Lie is far too restricting. The format needs 5 to allow for proper misdirection.

Kermit phone

When you call me into work on my day off, know this is what I am answering the call with.

Made a passionfruit mimosa and watching the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest. God bless America. 🇺🇸

Live your life in a way nobody calls you feckless, because you can’t have nerds talking shit about you.

My wife who doesn’t really watch movies somehow read that The Substance was a great date movie, and gotta say knowing nothing that was not what I was expecting.

My unreasonable boss said this week having “bad vibes” did not warrant an excused absence this Friday.