Sam 🧿✨

Hell yea

a clown car exploded in front of the clown college and you're laughing?

Wow I actually DID have this on my 2025 bingo card

by popular demand they're adding an eighth deadly sin: churlishness

every new restaurant in every major city is either called Thistle+Thorn and thinks adding turmeric to brussel sprouts makes them worth $30 or is called Burger Bitch and has a neon sign in the window that says “im gonna fuck a hamburger”

"shingles" is too cute a name for a terrible disease. fucked-up face-having purse dog-ass name. "this is Shingles, he's a toy pomradoodle; we feed him from an eyedropper every 23 minutes" etc. disease should be called something like "The Ferryman's Curse"

watching football with my husband and some of these announcers are kind of..... 🤔 why yall know so much about these boys? why do you know his height and weight? so you can buy him outfits? bc you love him?

A person in a Snoopy costume with the face pokin out just below the nose hands another Snoopy a pill and says "let's do some molly before the Snoopy Rave." Their pupils enlarge and the other Snoopy says "aw yeah, I'm comin' up" They are in a darkened room with a large group of other Snoopy's vibing as DEEP HOUSE MUSIC plays in the background. They dance in a fashion that is typical of Snoopy witch his bowling pin shaped head outstreched to the ceiling, his arms splayed and feet pattering rapidly on the ground. Suddenly, an intruder! A snoopy points and says "yo, that guy's dressed like Brian Griffin." Another Snoopy says "get the fuck out of here, dude." The sense of rejection is evident on the Brian's face.

A sleeping baby Snoopy from the peanuts comic strip

Me: “I got the dog in me”

The dog:

all my plans for the rest of the year

youtube thumbnail for Hanukkah: Uncut

that's not my understanding of it

I’m noticing a car selfie trend. interesting 🧐

I present to you: my 2024 reject selfies that maybe did deserve to see the light of day? unclear, TBD, etc

the whole house still smells like latkes from yesterday but godddddd damn these slapped

and WHO is the other lady in the mirror and where does she go when i leave

direct attack on maryland 😔

You, a slob: The Last Supper was hilarious because what kinda dudes all sit on the same side of the table lmao

Me, an intellectual: it was a hibachi restaurant

made a chocolate covered toffee saltine thing and it was so good 🤤

one of the best things i ever did for myself was not falling for that "she doesn't know she's beautiful" shit that men love so much. bitch yes i do, because of the unceasing harassment i've received every day of my life since i was 16. you think i'm stupid

post this on your profile today to make sure federal agents know that everything you posted today was just jokes

🌀 you think I’m very pretty and want to shower me with praise… 🌀

Man stabbing another man through the top of his head

I appreciate your constructive criticism

Applebee's Grill + Bar ✪. 5/30/19 Notes of vodka. Hints of fresh lemon. A raspberry finish. Our findings from a tasting of this season's $1 Vodka Raspberry Lemonade harvest. trav, who desperately needs to st.... 1d v My mother was murdered in one of your restaurants and the killer was never found D'Usse papi @mageeprize. 1d Is this real?!?!!? Applebee's @Applebees Replying to @mageeprize It's real! We're featuring the $1 Vodka Raspberry Lemonade the entre month of June!

Binky was so clingy yesterday and wouldn’t stop licking my face

y’all aren’t ready for this snoopy drip

A four panel 'Peanuts' comic. 1) Snoopy the dog watches leaves fall from a tree. 2) A girl (Lucy) enters the frame and says to Snoopy: "Anyone who would sit and watch leaves fall off a tree must be pretty stupid!" 3) Snoopy watches her exit the frame as he is left alone with the tree again. 4) Snoopy goes back to watching leaves fall from the tree with a big smile on his face and a thought bubble that says "I'm happy".

get outta here 🤺 you already know too much

Binky asleep under a fleece blanket, snug as a bug in a rug

sweet little angel girl has never done anything wrong in her life 👼🏼