Greg in Maintenance

my favorite part of rock bottom are all the pretty rocks

*breaking the fourth wall* sure hope this isnt load bearing

Oh honey, don’t worry about it. I’m having your half of the conversation in my head. You get on with what you’re doing.

The power went out and I'm trying to heat up a can of Spaghetti O's with my phone's flashlight.

If a bear attacks you, stay calm. Try to see the situation from their point of view

[wedding]

PRIEST: repeat after me

GROOM: after me

PRIEST: ... [to bride] is he serious

BRIDE: no his name is gary

Pluto approaches his faithful Hell hound, Cerberus, “who’s a good boy?”

(All 3 heads look suspiciously at one another)

“giddy up, jingle horse!! pick up your feet!!” sounds like something my homophobic gym teacher would scream at me while running laps after school.

Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare

[crime scene]

DETECTIVE: this picture has been cut into a thousand pieces

COP: why would they do that

DETECTIVE: *stroking chin* it’s a puzzle

*soft launching that I like you* Tell me every thought you’ve had for the last 12 hours

Columbo’s Day? I still haven’t taken down my Barnaby Jones Day decorations

biscotti are to dip in coffee. try to eat one by itself, it will resist and break all your teeth off while it screams with rage

A reminder that I have "Arkham" embedded in my name.

(not that there's anything wrong with that...)

here it is, in case you need it

My hairstylist pointing at a photo of me at 25: "You should dye your hair like that!"
Me, snorting: "That kid had zero wisdom"

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

How often has he gifted that to you, because I've seen that box in multiple posts over the years

“You have to kiss so many frogs before you find a prince” bro I’m not trying to improve my station I just like the texture

Caryn Meininger • 3er Business energetics, visionary ... 4 h + Seguir I lied about being pregnant. Not once. Twice. With two different men. Because deep down, I believed if I could just convince them to stay... Maybe l'd finally be enough. (Yeah... that one's hard to write.) I've never told anyone this. And now, l'm telling the entire internet. And go ahead and judge me, I know some of you are. And that's ok! Know when you are judging, you are stuck with it. Life is always a mirror. The moment we stop hiding our shame is the moment we reclaim our power. I wasn't crazy. I wasn't a bad person. I was a woman who had learned, like so many of us do, that love is something you have to earn by being wanted, chosen, approved of. But here's the thing no one tells you: When you're trying that hard not to be left... You've already abandoned yourself. And the very thing you're afraid of? You create it anyway. For me it was rejection.

You create it anyway. For me it was rejection. The relationships ended. I was left with the very thing I was trying to avoid. But the most painful part? I still didn't feel worthy. Until I realized: I don't have to prove l'm enough. I just have to remember I already am. We are all inherently worthy. That's the work now. That's what I help other women do. And that's what Reflection is all about. If you've ever sacrificed your truth to be accepted... If you've ever shaped yourself to fit someone else's story.. If you're ready to stop chasing validation and start leading from wholeness... Comment Reflection below and I'll send you the link to join me for this free 3-day experience and check out the featured section! We start July 15th. And it's not just about clarity. It's about coming home to yourself. Georgia St John-Smith not sure what you ignited in me, but apparently now I share my deepest darkest secrets for the whole world to see.

Picture of a woman holding up a little decorative mirror facing herself while SHE faces away at the camera #hotgrowthsummer #hotsummergrowth #visibility #healing #reflection #selfworth #LinkedInForHumans #storytelling #leadership #liveiconic

linkedin is the new postsecret

“In conclusion, all that’s required is a minimum 4 straight days with at most 5.5 hours sleep each night to transform a rational human into a psychotic piece of garbage,” I inform the manticore committee.

People always say "stop doomscrolling," nobody ever says "stop the Doom"

Doesn't even cross their minds.

my wife, in our doomsday bunker: i hope you stored enough food to get us through the apocalypse.
me: (opening the bunker fridge to show her that it’s only filled with tubs of flan) oh, i think we’re gonna be just fine.

I forgot I left my location off on my phone and a Rapture came to my apartment while I was out for coffee. I know because I saw a 'Sorry We Missed You' note on my door and a box full of what looks like metallic gold oil paint. Is this poo? Are the angels trolling me?

Got to finish clearing my search history before the Rapture trumpets start blasting

My wife just texted me “Lasagne at 6 o’clock” so I immediately looked behind me.

Just because it wasn’t funny doesn’t mean I wasn’t joking

Voted “Most Likely to Ask For a Plunger at a House Party”