🅿️rofessor Kiosk 💊

despite all my capes I am still just a man not a mage

despite all my capes I am still just a man not a mage

Give a man a handjob and you satisfy him for a day, teach a man perform a handjob and he can get $20 a pop behind the AMC 18.

woah the food on doordash has physical locations you can just walk into

I always expected the future to be scary, just in cooler, less stupid ways

Heh, I almost told you what would really fix me.

psychos need love, too

*gets bitten by bsky bug and rushed to the ER*

Dr: I'm sorry, we were out of the antidote so you died

Me: But I'm still here

Dr: Yes, luckily you were reposted

Don’t encourage bad behavior. Unless it’s mine.

I don’t have an air of authority so you can only tell I’m a department head by the yacht rock softly streaming from my office

I wonder if Piggly Wiggly execs call themselves Pig Wigs

A mason jar of freshly made maple cream with a label on the front that says, “MAPLE CREAM.”

Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s

I thought I was strong because I could move a couch on my own. Turns out that non-traumatized people just ask for help.

that literally means I'm possible

you know it

As part of our mystery film series we've arranged for a "murder"* that our guests must solve (if they don't want to be next).

* Our use of quotes is purely for legal reasons and does not reflect the actual status of said murder.

absolutely

hey now I guzzle syrup get it right

more like fleur

I switched to decaf and my murder powers have increased by 300%

*pronounces floor like lure*

"don't make it weird" would you tell Mozart not to compose music? would you tell Dalí not to paint? you are depriving the world of my gift

I feel so blessed to be alive during this point in time when almost everything happening around me makes me want to die

Being barely alive is so fucking exhausting

[surfacing from a dive]

IS EVERYTHING STILL BAD?

when i see “no DMs or you'll be blocked” it’s like being told not to touch a hot stove or pet an aggressive dog

i’m gonna do it

sighing over and over in morose code

help i said yes to a social event 😢