David Guy

The thermostat in my bathroom is in Fahrenheit and the one in my living room is in Celsius. That's a very Windsor of a problem.

it’s wild that this is just sort of the most openly corrupt administration of all time and they’re just allowed to do that and most media doesn’t say a word about it

The only excuse Lois Lane has for why her interviewing Superman isn't unethical, despite their romantic entanglement, is that it would be even more unethical for the paper's other top reporter, who is Superman, to interview himself, yet she cannot say this. This dilemma should be taught in J-school.

hey, did you know that Ted Cruz has a side hustle as a US Senator? I know, I was shocked when I found out, too. I thought all he did was podcast, and put his unctuous werewolf face on Fox News. anyway, here’s a fact check for Teddy C: fuck off. Ted Cruz, you odious dumbfuck. do you actually think George Soros is cutting seven million paychecks for the protesters? I have a question: is Soros withholding taxes and issuing 1099s, or do we need to be keeping track of that shit ourselves? is an inflatable frog costume a deductible business expense? fuck me, did I even remember to save the receipts?

DUMB "FUCKWIT" WEREWOLF TED CRUZ ACTUALLY THINKS GEORGE SOROS IS PAYING PROTESTERS. HOW WOULD THAT EVEN WORK? MANY ARE SAYING TO ME "SIR! SIR! NO ONE INSULTS TED CRUZ LIKE YOU DO, SIR! HOW DO YOU DO IT? SIR!" THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO MY WRITE-UP OF NO KINGS DAY. LINK IS HERE: bit.ly/3Jk3mxu

When I was little, the U.S. military came to our home at gunpoint and took me and my family away. We were imprisoned for years in barbed wire camps simply because we were Japanese American. I have spent my life telling that story, hoping it would never be repeated.

Doctor: Essentially you can eat as much fruit as you want

*six months later*

Doctor: You have what's called Fruititis

ME: Also...when you think about it, the A in the name is kinda redundant.

ARBY’S CASHIER: *now crying

ME: And the Y

MANAGER: *tazing me* Why won't you go down??

The most physically demanding job I ever had was when I worked at McDonald's in high school for like $3.50 an hour.

If you think minimum wage work is easy work, you've never worked a minimum wage job.

Trump is doing an excellent job of alienating his base. He’s screwing over farmers, small business owners and now truckers. Just galaxy brain four dimensional chess stable genius thinking. lmao

It’s 2025 and somehow we still haven’t invented caramel mayonnaise.

the year is 2025: you're waiting to watch the president of the united states sign an executive order abolishing the department of education, while learned canadians are being advised not to travel here and wondering if your neighbors will be yanked off the street by masked government thugs.

me: (putting on armor) would you like to get brushed

my cat: (flipping switchblade) i’d love nothing more

I don’t know what people are talking about, this soap doesn’t taste like cilantro at all.

I made this dumb thing

don't call it a comeback. time is an endless spiral vortex

I’d like to speak up

As a Canadian with Ukrainian ancestry, I am tired on a cellular level.

Everytime I ask my husband to give me my pillow back he goes "mike lindell here" and now my own brain does it this is grounds for divorce

each decade you are alive you will be shocked at what a dipshit you were the decade before

Reading is part of the job. If you don't read, you can't write.

Conversations with the 8yo DM:

8yo DM: I feel like dolphins would use “shark” as a swear word.

Me: Ha! How would they use it?

8yo DM: “Every now and then I kick the living shark out of me.”

Me: I see you’ve been listening to Lit.

8yo DM: It’s the greatest and the worst song at the same time.

The fantasy genre is so great. I love it. It has endless possibilities like dragons, sky islands, flying whales, and affordable living

thanx my superpower is a raging caffeine addiction

Normalize pronouncing DOGE as DOUCHE.