Dan Wilde

calmly biting a hole into a brick wall

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

I decided to put my fingers in alphabetical order. My hands look a bit funny now, but it's made spelling a lot easier

This is not my first rodeo.

However, you should know it is only my second rodeo.

Also, full disclosure: during my first rodeo, I crashed a horse into a hotdog stand.

The most tedious part of my daily routine: every morning having to screw the lightbulbs back in

I hope you’re happy, Greta!

Call me crazy, but the screaming voice in my head is starting to make a lot of sense

I'm not usually one to toot my own horn... however, I just set a personal best for a 5k run:

2k

"You will choke on a small piece of paper" - what the message on my fortune cookie should have said

I'm proud to say I haven't lost my temper in years–not since I attached one of those gadgets to it that beeps when I whistle

"Dan, for the last time, would you please stop calling me Mike–you know I only go by Michael" - my tetchy colleague Michael Hunt

The fuse in my microwave just blew out. To be honest, it’s good timing, considering all I have in my fridge is tupperware full of revenge

I just donated £20 to a children's charity on my friend’s JustGiving page, but I accidentally clicked the "donate anonymously" checkbox. What a complete waste of money

A stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet. Or a mugger—it could also be a mugger