mindflakes

Just once I'd like a band to release a 'worst of' album. It should be all new songs, each one designed to be as unlistenable as humanly possible

bowls can be any color

puddles come in so many different flavors and i must try them all

If you go to the apothecary and quaff a strength potion before the alchemist can stop you it’s basically free. What are you gonna do about it little man

Checked my calendar for tomorrow and unfortunately there is a day there

installing a standing desk in my car

A sweater for a snake would just be a long cotton pipe. You could still put an elbow patch on it though

Scientists now believe that the human brain--a magic goo for worrying--can also be used to do other things

i like it when all of you post good because then i can just repost your good posts and i don't have to think

I miss the days when it was just me and my cudgel against the world

Me: Hello, tech support? There's mayonaisse leaking out of my computer again
Tech support: Stop pouring mayonaisse into your computer
Me: Yes, that makes sense

Almost hit a snowflake with my car but managed to swerve at the last second

Coffee smells better than it tastes. I hate being Tricked By A Smell

Reconsider

the crossbow has to be one of the most “hey give me a second here” weapons of all time

My wife left open the gate to the yard and I ran out into the street. I could have really hurt myself.

I’m applying a thin coat of dust to most surfaces 😋

Badgers think they're so great just because they can eat 100 earthworms every night. I could probably do that too if I wanted to

i washed my hair and it smells so good does anyone else want some before i eat it all

Opening a can of worms 30 minutes before dinner to allow it to breathe

The plan for tomorrow is to do all my chores and socialise with everyone and fix everything that's ever been wrong with the world. Today I'm mostly focused on rolling a hamburger patty into a cylinder so it'll fit in a hot dog bun.

If you’re not careful numbers can easily run in the thousands

If you’re looking for an interesting alternative to light, I suggest checking out shadows

I've invented a new kind of microwave that rotates your food at 300rpm and makes a deafening foghorn noise for no reason at all

Our spiders are itsy bitsy. Your spiders are incy wincy. There can never be peace between us.

It’s bad for your mental health to know stuff

hello! i’m nice to meet you

My pet medieval knight is actually very friendly once you get to know him. He gets so excited when I send him off on quests and he loves it when I feed him chopped-up spaghetti through the little hole in his visor. He did execute my postman yesterday but we're going to work on that.

i do not think therefore i do not am

My body is acting a little ungrateful given all the treats I’ve been feeding it