Jo

Food from a Balkan restaurant where the waiter shrugs as if to say "it's your funeral" after taking your order

Being reclined just hecking ok is no fun

When I was a kid, one of our neighbors stole my parent's car and used it as a battering ram in a bank robbery. My folks like to talk about all the opportunities our generation got that they didn't have, but what about my opportunity to rob a bank. What about that

It's been a while since I've swiped my card, so I tried and it didn't work. It's fine. I don't need to sleep

*Grips sink and stares into mirror* you will be just as bisexual with a driver's license

Some people already have this job. I have a friend who used to do quality control for voice search results as a side gig, and A LOT of people have no issue at all describing out loud to their phones in detail exactly what kind of porn they want to look at

Summer clothes are too LIGHT, I hate them, I want HEAVY

Once again my evil plan of holding every single one of you in my heart has been thwarted

This cannot possibly be the same public transport system as the one in the Gilmore Girls theme song

At the conference saying, "Get your phone out, let's connect!" to every Patagonia vest and then knocking it out of their hands

You can be doing everything right (buying parsley, minding your own business), but the haters (some kid outside the store and his fuckass friends) are always gonna hate

I get along with cats bc we both hate the vacuum cleaner

Girlfriend ASMR that tells you you are sooo smart and don't need generative AI

My nephew (2 years old) is pretending to work behind the couch cushion. He says he earns 4 money and a couple of meatballs. Not bad tbh. Might submit an application

*Grasping the sides of your face* I want you to really, really understand that when you're listening to an interview with someone powerful and not understanding what they're saying, it's unlikely that they're smarter than you and much more likely that they're confidently speaking complete nonsense

When your manager wants to know the highlight of your summer, maybe don't describe disc golf as "like regular golf but with more frisbees and less wealth-hoarding"

If you are looking for your next journey, I highly recommend the journey from Comp. Lit major to faerie smut enthusiast 📚💙

Thank you for your service

I am not reccomending you go to a screening of Akira and have 2.5L of popcorn for dinner while running a fever, I'm just saying I think I glimpsed god

Congrats! 💪

What's the procedure for birthday cards? Birthday is over, card has served its purpose?

Is anyone really passionate about digital marketing? I mean the others HAVE to be cosplaying as giving a fuck, right? I clock in, I write my stupid puns, I clock out

But for 5.99 the recipient ALSO gets to debate with themselves for weeks about whether it's appropriate to throw it out yet

Yap away. I want to never have to guess what's in there. Please understand that I need you narrate this entire relationship

My "take a multivitamin and come back if you die" type of doctor just put me on antibiotics so I'll see you if I see you

Please make sure my tombstone says "Never bothered a single doctor"

I am Sisyphus and my rock is the clearing of notifications from apps I never wanted to begin with

Big on mornings. You wake up, they're there

Halfway through A Little Hatred. #Booksky, will a plot emerge or will everything just continue to suck? I like the writing but if all of this misery isn't leading to anything, I wanna grab something else

Yesterday was one for the books 🥏 Sun was shining. Discs were flying. Ahh