J¡m Vaughn

Gotta rep a local cryptid.

Oh, a birthday?

HAPPEE BIRFDAE!!!

This is about me

Is this an effective deterrent to predation? It probably depends on the level of kink involved.

Rating: 3/10 for denying it

When threatened, this snake will forcefully expel air from its cloaca to produce a loud click.

In a lab, scientists noted that in some instances, it would fart so hard it lifted itself off the ground.

Well, it’s not quite farting, per se, but a bodily function scientists refer to as “anal popping.” You can’t lead with anal popping, though. People will click away, even if it is a synonym for booty clapping.

A small snake layed across rocky desert ground. It is soft white underneath, and tan with a pattern of brown markings down it's back. It has small beady black eyes, a black tongue, and a small bump on the end of it's nose. "chihuahuan hook-nosed snake, naricilla chihuahuense, western hooknose snake" by highsinger is licensed under CC BY 4.0. To view a copy of this license, visit http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/?ref=openverse.

jiminy's animal reviews: This is a Chihuahuan hook-nosed snake (𝘎𝘺𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘱𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘶𝘮), and it is unassuming at first glance. A nocturnal snake found in the Southern US through Mexico, they grow to about a foot long (28cm), and eat lots of spiders. Normal snake stuff. But they have a superpower: farting!

Never been bitten, but I've heard it's bad.

They're in the same order, Hemiptera, so somewhat related. But they have a knife for a mouth and will use it, so I'm not sure if they have any olfactory based defenses.

Go to your room.

An inch and a half long wheelbug: it is dark Grey with patches of black, has long slender legs and antennae, a sharp proboscis for puncturing folded up under it's head, and a spiky dome shaped growth for protection on it's dorsum.

Today's new friend: this North American Wheel Bug (𝘈𝘳𝘪𝘭𝘶𝘴 𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘵𝘶𝘴).

Pitchfork rejected my submission, "𝘐𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘍𝘰𝘹𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘦: 𝘍𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘖𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘤 𝘈𝘯𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘚𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘈𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘉𝘪𝘨 𝘈𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘴, 𝘍𝘰𝘹𝘺 𝘚𝘩𝘢𝘻𝘢𝘮 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘎𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯'𝘴 𝘘𝘶𝘦𝘦𝘯."

Dudes be like, "My doctor kept telling me things I didn't want to hear, so now I take medical advice from an online chiropractor who sells a line of supplements called BEEF WARRIOR!!!"

Would it behoove me to hire you?

Oh, shit, it was right there in front of me! Well played.

The more unkempt the better.

I don't 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 validation from social media.

I can quit anytime I want.

I prefer my Joes sloppy.

@stellagarp.bsky.social wanna go see a movie?

Just want to make some deals, Mr President

Oh man, Stephen Miller's wife and I have almost the same phone number and he accidentally sent me a sext:

Can't wait to blast you thorax with my acrid crypt mud, pookie. I smelled some sour milk earlier and my groin proboscis unfurled half way. Going to lube it with orphan tears and plow your tract

Hegseth: "Yo fam, no more fatties or sissies in the army."

NYT: "Wow, such nuance."

FYI there are a ton of DHS vehicles in Old City right now, be careful out there Philly

Goooood morning, Bluesky! Today's episode is brought to you by Rite Aid. Don't miss our going out of business sale. All opioids must go!

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Do dogs love us as much as we love them?

TELL THEM I LOVE THEM!!!

Whether it's Republicans flagrantly abusing Articles One and Two of the Constitution or Democrats being bad at messaging, both parties are pushing America to the brink.

What's funny is they keep advertising skee-ball tournies, but none of their machines score correctly.

I used 'em all on skee-ball.

That's not a joke. I need to buy more when I go back.

I feel attacked.