Jeremy, Aspiring Heresiarch

Me: *installs floating shelves for a customer*

Co-worker: "Did you use a level? Are they straight?"

Me, mimicking a hand puppet on the shelf: "Hi, my name is Roy. I have a wife and four kids. I'm really excited about the Eagles game tonight. Pass me a Coors."

Co-worker: "Fine. They're straight."

A large order of various Pizza Hut items, with a ridiculously large stack of complimentary plates.

I think the Pizza Hut cashier was flirting with me.

We had our first writing group tonight. Four people out of thirteen showed up. But we had a really nice time and we found some really cool synchronicities between some of our stories.

One grandparent made furniture.
One grandparent made sure their house smelled like Lemon Pledge and was dustless.
One grandparent canned jams and veggies for five families.
One drove a tractor even after he retired.

Maybe there weren't allistic people back in the old days.

Saaaame.

Hittin' the tomatoes extra hard, are ya?

Employer: "We're putting the timeclock in an app on your phone."

Employer: "We're putting shared field notes in an app on your phone."

Employer: "We're using a photo drop app for Before/After pictures. Download it."

Employer: "Customers are complaining that you're on your phone all day."

Serendipity in research will always be wild to me. While writing about a priest who uncovers a 90 year old murder, a former detective helping me with the research said they would probably call "Dr. So-and-so" in real life. I googled the name. In 2013, he helped exhume a saint..

Doctors don't want you to know this, but eating twenty pounds of tomatoes in one sitting has as much nicotine as smoking a whole cigarette.

To be clear: I don't have a drinking problem, but my stomach was upset and I couldn't stay out of the bathroom.

But 12 ounces of hard liquor killed whatever it was that was making me sick.

This can't be the same brain I used to use to Back Oriface exploit my way into my high school principal's personal computer and keylog his passwords.

Novels with footnotes are for people who watch English dubbed anime with English subtitles on.

I will not elaborate.

In the United States, it is federal law (31 U.S.C. § 5114(b)) that only portraits of deceased individuals may appear on U.S. currency and securities, a tradition that has been law since an 1866 Act of Congress, intended to insure the continued use of coinage in necromancy.

Blond guys in Kpop bands Vs. Blond guys in romantasy novels.

Fight.

It irritates me that conservatives are wearing out "Who?" as a petty response to Bad Bunny being at the Superbowl. That was a fun little jab and they're treating it like the godslayer rifle.

BREAKING: The United States of America will temporarily reopen as a Spirit Halloween

Please, please, dear Palestinian baby Jesus, let someone say it should have been Nirvana at that Super Bowl half-show time.

"Bad Bunny? It should have been Lynyrd Skynyrd."

"Bad Bunny? It should have been Pink Floyd!"

"Bad Bunny? It should have been Metallica."

I AM BEGGING YOU TO STOP PICKING YOUR FAV BANDS OFF THE HOT TOPIC VINTAGE WALL.

Meme featuring Michael Jordan, casually explaining. Text at the top reads, "Me finding out that St. Jerome's feast day is on my birthday. The bottom text is the closed captioning for Michael Jordan, and it adds, "And I took that personally."

TBH the bigger the vocabulary the better the Shitposter IMO

girl who uses "perpetuity" in a shitpost

But Muscle President was FORCED to walk up escalator! Poor soul! No respect!!!

Jeremy, your posts have been more frequent and a little bit manic lately, are you okay?

Yeah, the rapture didn't happen SO HARD that I'm actually more here than I was three days ago.

Mr. Kennedy! Excuse me, Mr. RFK Jr., sir? We just have one last question. Actually, it's for my daughter. Before you tell us about the dangers of Tylenol, would you look into the camera and say, "Mike Wazowski, you forgot to file your paperwork."

For about three years, I've been critiquing rap and rock YouTube videos for this sheetrock guy I used to work with. I did it for free because he didn't have many artsy friends.

Anyway, he unfriended me over Charlie Kirk and I have fourteen minutes of free time a week now. Does anyone need anything?

BTW, I got the 'tism from drinking rain water from a wolf's footprint.

It's Tylenol.
It's vaccines.
It's Harry Potter.
It's rock music.

RFK Jr. is just a fundamentalist who forgot what demons are.

Is there still time for the rapture to happen? You bet your left behind.

Youth pastor voice: I know you've all heard about Jimmy Kimmel, but do you know who else was canceled by an authoritarian government and promised to come back again?

RFK Jr. was born in 1954.
Tylenol was introduced in 1955.
If RFK Jr. was ten years older, we'd be hearing how phenacetin caused autism instead. The man shapes his view of the cosmos around what he grew up with.