Dan Fritschie

I'm gonna start teaching a class at my gym titled "Noise Canceling Headphones And You... And Him... And Her... And That Guy Over There... And Every Other Person In This Building. We Can All Hear You, You Goddamn Weirdo."

If you mentioned any food while driving past a Sonic, they will put that food in a limited-time milkshake within a week.

The bracket style brake lights and logo placement on GMCs look like they're citing themselves as a source.

MICHAEL STIPE: (roasting you) Egypt was troubled by your horrible ass

Filming yourself ranting about politics while eating anything crunchy should count as a DO NOT RESUSCITATE order.

Ken Paxton's right eye always looks like it just listened to what the rest of his face just said.

How's my new fitness plan going? The good news: This week, I made it to 20 lbs. lost since I started.

The bad news: just now, I used a slice of pizza as a plate for a second slice of pizza, which I was using as a plate for third slice of pizza.

When you really crunch the numbers, backing into a parking space is just a scale model of Daylight Saving Time.

Well, I did stop to take a picture, so... well played.

Ok... which got built first: the shelf or the light fixture?

I sometimes think about what the outtakes are like like from all of these chiropractic neck adjustment videos. I imagine the vast majority of them are boring, but every once in a while you'd find a OH FUCK FUCK FUCK NOOOO!

No. Big Red's flavor is derived from emotionally abused strawberries, sadness, and a special chemical that makes you forget how much you hate the taste of it, which is also used in the batter at Long John Silver's.

Design Design, a division of Company Co., a subsidiary of Incorporated, Inc., Walla Walla, Washington.

Delivery nurse: "It's a boy! What do you want to name him?"

"Uh... (looks around room, sees man) Dude... (looks around again) Person."

Just watched a 15-minute police bodycam video where a guy got arrested for exposing himself during a road rage incident. It wasn't until the 14-minute mark that someone finally mentioned the guy GOT OUT OF THE CAR before exposing himself. Up to that point, I was like, that guy must've been LIMBER.

Those rug cleaning video channels all imply that someone on their staff is responsible for caling the rugs in swamp mud... and I kinda want that job.

Weird how damn near every sarcastic impersonation of someone starts with a whiny "Ohhhh..."

You could make a shot-for-shot remake of Fight Club, but replace the fighting with accessorizing a Jeep Wrangler, and the plot would still hold up.

A baptism is the spiritual equivalent of "Have you tried turning it off and back on again?"

UPDATE: I tried dunking my computer in holy water, and it's safe to say the analogy does NOT work in reverse.

(Cooking video) "Today, we're gonna show you how to make Cool Ranch Doritos FROM SCRATCH. You're gonna need tortilla chips, Ranch dressing mix..."

Do Mormons play Soak, Marry, Shun?

No, I'm not proud of myself. Sometimes I just gotta get this stupid shit out of my head.

Everyone who thought they were getting raptured should be placed on the No Fly List for seven years just on general principle.

Did I miss Tylenol talking shit about Trump at some point?

Last night, I had a dream where I got invited to an orgy, but when I got there, everyone was too self-conscious to take off their clothes. They still went through with it, but it was all timid dry humping... just a shy, over-the-clothes free-for-all.

Your move, Freud!

Well, I guess the fact that these disingenuous dickflutes are going after late night talk shows answers the question "How the hell do you sleep at night?"

Kash Patel is a classic example of one of the most annoying personality types out there: He's an immovable object pretending to be an unstoppable force.

Look, I'm no prude. I have zero problems having to explain what the word HORNY means to my 10 year old. I'd just prefer it if A) I didn't have to do it in the drop-off line at school at 7am on a Tuesday, and B) I'd definitely prefer it wasn't because of this stupid fucking bumper sticker.

Dear food companies: "Cake" is not a goddamn flavor for anything other than cake. For anything else, it tastes like how wet socks feel.

Today has been like the first 5 minutes of Blade, but with energy vampires.