Simply uncrustable

At the point of COVID where my sense of taste and will to live are both barely perceptible

Venezueler? I hardly know her!

Sleeping on an air mattress in the laundry room of a stranger’s home with a man I met 3 weeks ago. In Fort Wayne

Almost beat the team that almost won the euchre tournament

Drying my whole body with a hair dryer when I get out of the shower because I know luxury

To ensure your date notices your charming quirks, simply point out “that’s just one of my charming quirks” whenever necessary

Nice 2 story house, in a second floor window is a statue of Jesus with his hands up like he’s blessing the front lawn, bathed in red light

And to all a good night

The elderberry wine is pretty gross but at least it was made with love by my SIL’s racist dad

I know god is real bc I guessed the answer of a petroleum production-related trivia question

Sexually attracted to my neighbor’s annual holiday rum cake

The princess and the pile of Hershey kisses she fell asleep on top of

If he doesn’t think 9/11 was rigged I don’t want him. End of story !!

Wore heels for 8+ hours and my feet still hurt two days later. I do not contain multitudes

I feel like I qualify as a fucking idiot for biking 8 miles in said blizzard to build a bench

I love to be asleep

Played Yahtzee for the first time. Bad!

Lesbian. Divorce. Smoking. Sex. These were all sins according to 10-year-old me (and also current me)

Accidentally used nail polish remover to fix my eyeliner line instead of makeup remover. It burns

Our compliance director cited ChatGPT as a source in an email to a client

Six young white men are debating Christian theology at the bar. SOS

Touch a cat, touch my eyeball, remember that I’m allergic to cats, repeat

Why would I go to the office if there isn’t a roster of wealthy, recently divorced men to entertain me? Make it worth my while

Might start doing meth to counteract the seasonal affective disorder

My attic bedroom is 10 degrees colder than the rest of the house, and my landlord has ghosted me (might be dead?). Gotta jerk off for warmth like a pioneer

Broke the pop socket on my phone 40 minutes ago. I can’t go on like this

I have a disease and Classic Lay’s are the only cure

A red sign in front of a construction site warning about buried fiber optic cables. It looks like a sw*stika

They should design a fiber optic cable sign that doesn’t look like a sw*stika. In 2025 you never know

Been menstruating every month for 20 years. Only 15 years left, hell yeah

Tumor? I hardly know her

Humble your date. Make them draw a bicycle from memory.