Johnny Hall

When I was eight, the Spin Doctors played a show at my school in New Zealand. It took me fifteen years to realize it was just a covers band.

Someone in San Francisco just smiled at me like they KNEW I was a New Zealander and I’m not sure how to feel about it.

These alt. covers go hard 👏

@andrewtodd.co.nz 🦈

“Dude, you’re forty?! I thought you were, like, twenty-seven.”

Me:

Uber driver was just talking about how magical New Orleans was, when his wife called: she’d just won 32 thousand dollars at the casino.

“His name’s Mr. Winky, because if you blink when he looks at you, he will send you straight…TO HELL!”
— An 8 year old explaining his pipe cleaner monster to me at a kid’s birthday party

New Zealanders: do you hear this phone number?

0800 83 83 83

The eternal struggle of trying to find a film on Letterboxd that @dillamonster.bsky.social hasn’t already logged.

I witnessed a man in his car, windows down, joyously singing “The Candy Man Can” from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. His joy became my joy.

Bliss, originally titled Bucolic Green Hills, is the default wallpaper of Microsoft's Windows XP operating system. It is a photograph of a green rolling hills and daytime sky with cirrus clouds.

I will die on this hill.

2025 just peaked:
“Do you dance because it brings you closer to God?”
“No. I dance because it brings me closer to dogs.”
[Pats dog on the dance floor]

My wife just said if she had to choose between me or eggs, she’d probably choose me, and if that’s not love, well… I’m not sure what is 🍳

Someone mislabeled the supermarket chicken breast as $47.56, and I got to make a “Dang! Chicken sure got expensive!” joke not once… but TWICE!

My brain at 3AM for absolutely no reason, “Hey… HEY! Mark Cuban Missile Crisis.”

Can y’all confirm what *IS* on your 2024 bingo card…? Not convinced anyone actually has one, to be honest.

Me making small talk at parties

What a wonderful tribute to one of the best butts in the game.

Oh no.

We should get that on the books 🐔

*Including clearing customs etc.

That was 45 minutes from WHEELS DOWN 😤

I ate a pie within 45 minutes of touching down in New Zealand, which is a new personal record for me.

After a long and stressful day, someone shot a beer out of a leaf blower at me and it hit me square in the nuts 🍻

That’s exactly what I did.

House sitting at my brother-in-law’s: how do I break it to him that he has motion smoothing turned on by default on his television?

Sometimes I’ll tell a joke so funny that the other person farts and it’s honestly the highest compliment.