crimesididntcommit🏳️‍⚧️

whenever i try to shout at reporters from a rooftop nobody ever gives a shit

can of fix-a-flat beside cheap gin

the forbidden mixer

they’re gonna shoot me out of a cannon

i wanna see bodybuilding competitions where steroids aren’t just encouraged but required. i wanna see how crazy those folks can get. i wanna see someone made of bulges throw a photocopier through a judges table

i’m in a phase in my Life where getting Sucked Off could really Work for me

on a certain level, i’d love to be given a hundred million dollars

they should make one of those sun shades for car windows big enough to cover the entire earth

going through a shitty true crime doc phase, just a terrible era to be in. and netflix couldn’t be happier to provide

my special boots allow me to bounce up to the moon

can of fix-a-flat beside cheap gin

the forbidden mixer

zoidberg’s caress

[at your place for five minutes] can i draw on your walls

i watched a friend of mine drunkenly dance in perfect summer rain last night while standing with all the smokers outside a bar venue and the whole world felt so magical. even the movie where arnold schwarzenegger gives birth felt possible to me then

they should start playing whale sounds at high volume in every public bathroom so you can’t hear folks snort, piss and shit

cbs to debut new show, “jelquing with jeff!,” starring deepfaked jeff buckley, in new fall schedule

booking shows:

enter our realm, if you dare

lazily kicking at rocks with my shoulders shrugged up and hands in my pockets mumbling disappointedly in the pussy

zack snyder’s releasing a 4 hour edit of my baby video that features multiple newly-filmed scenes of cgi me on a cross in the delivery room

robert de niro owes me a great big hug

gene simmons spends 7 hours a day staring at a cork board trying to figure out how to successfully monetize getting sucked off

my close personal friend and aquatic trainer, gumbo candelabra, is being shot full of meth and set loose into disney world

who wants to help me make tapes for my next album

can’t spell joie de vivre without joi

the repo man is coming for my joie de vivre!!!

finding out someone you thought was gay isn’t is worse than 9/11

king kong is moping around in my yard

if you haven’t heard it yet, set a day aside to discover blinding lights by the weeknd. it’ll blow you away

when you smile, the whole world smiles. when you laugh, the whole world laughs