Tiel Pearce

I can’t tell if my therapist is using reverse psychology, or just really good at sarcasm. #ZoomZoomKapow

Vampires have no reflection, which explains why we’ve never seen Dracula journaling. #ZoomZoomKapow

I had an idea for a penny farthing unicycle. Then I realized that that’s just a giant unicycle. #ZoomZoomKapow #BeatenToIt

“I’m not a doctor, although I play one on tv” -a funny tv repairer, probably #ZoomZoomKapow

I can’t tie my shoes anymore. From now on, either they win or I do. #ZoomZoomKapow

249 years ago today, the founding fathers declared their independence from England and started a new country. I declared independence from England, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt. #ZoomZoomKapow #SameThing

There are only three things that are certainties in this life: death, taxes, and what side pirates pick for tic tac toe.
#ZoomZoomKapow #AndHollywoodSquares

Getting a new mic started, in two panels:

I wanna put silver bullets in a golden gun. That way, I can kill a werewolf AND a James Bond villain. #ZoomZoomKapow

I won’t belong to any club that would have me as a member. Just another reason why I won’t eat sandwiches with toothpicks in them. #ZoomZoomKapow

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. Every time a Ring doorbell rings, an angel gets its propeller hat. #ZoomZoomKapow

I bet the first time a gangster in the 40’s ended a sentence with the word “see?”, people lost their FUCKING shit. #ZoomZoomKapow

I like a solar eclipse. Sundials needed a snooze button. #ZoomZoomKapow

The Sixth Sense wouldn’t have worked as a Shakespeare play, because they see dead people
all the fucking time.
#ZoomZoomKapow

It’s like “Oh, thou seeth the dead? Be we in Copenhagen, for mine eyes must behold the PRINCE OF DENMARK?!”
#ZoomZoomKaTag #SarcasmTookLongerThen

I go to great lengths to avoid conflict. A kid declared a thumb war. I draft dodged.
#ZoomZoomKapow
My thumb made it to Canada. For some reason, it got a ride almost immediately.
#ZoomZoomKaTag

If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around, does it make a noise? Yes. But ironically, it’s the sound of one hand clapping.
#ZoomZoomKapow #MindBlown

Victims of AI seldom talked about: people like me, who were already computer generated images. #ZoomZoomKapow #MakingUsLookBad

I bet pirates have a love/hate relationship with algebra. Because while, true, they’re still solving for X, they are furious with the lack of gold doubloons for doing so. #ZoomZoomKapow

I hate guns, but once i thought about buying Chekhov’s Gun. Eventually I pulled the trigger.
#ZoomZoomKapow
I like that joke because you hear it, forget it, then remember it during the third act.
#ZoomZoomKaTag

At my high school, I did the assignment where you take care of an egg like it’s a baby. They hatched.

When they had eggs of their own, I just thought “Wow: My kid goes to my high school.”
#ZoomZoomKapow #CatsInTheCradle

(Don Pardo voice) and now, Weekend Update, with Norm Macdonald…

Easter is on Sunday. I went on an Easter egg hunt recently: I watched the same dvd over and over. #ZoomZoomKapow

One of the lesser known downsides to being dead: you’re eternally doing the trust fall. #ZoomZoomKapow

As a kid, I wanted to be in a Looney Tunes cartoon.
I took a trip to Albuquerque just to make a wrong turn.
#ZoomZoomKapow

My favorite one was always Marvin The Martian. I related to him: I too verbalize my anger because no one can tell from my tone of voice.
#ZoomZoomKaTag #IAlsoVaporizeShit

Every office has a “funny person.”And, at the History Channel, it’s whoever’s yelling “SPOILER ALERT!!!” during every show.
#ZoomZoomKapow

I love rhetorical questions. Once I had the idea for rhetorical answers: you say something, and not expect a response. I gave up on that though when I realized that’s just a sentence.
#ZoomZoomKapow #ItsBeenDone

My nickname in school was “The Smart One.” Partly because I had the best grades, but mostly because I’m Wi-Fi compatible. #ZoomZoomKapow

“Astigmatism? I just met him!” -a funny optometrist, probably
#ZoomZoomKapow

Inflation has gotten out of control. Scrooge McDuck’s pool of gold coins is now an above ground. #ZoomZoomKapow

I hate peer pressure, which is why I’ll never serve on a jury. #ZoomZoomKapow