Whoelsebutalf

I've off to play Cricket against a team from the local Pancake restaurant.
Their Fielders and Bowlers are rubbish, but their batter's brilliant.

#PancakeDay #ShroveTuesday

As a child, my Dad caught me doing Card tricks behind the garage.
As a punishment he made me guess the whole pack.

Had to ring up Walkers customer care line earlier.
Someone had put a potato crisp in my bag of ready salted air.

Best Road sign ever. No two ways about it.

It's mainly a joke about it being a photo album I'm putting together

In the studio putting the finishing touches to my difficult second album.
I really need to take more photos.

Sauce of Amusement by Alf!! Stream and Save Sauce of Amusement - Distributed by DistroKid

So it looks like my debut album should be available for streaming/download etc in the next 48hrs. It's called 'Sauce of Amusement' and it's a Comedy album but different.... 😀

In the meantime, check the link for a short clip from each song.

distrokid.com/hyperfollow/...

Currently trying to find funding for our local church's tower renovation.
If you're interested, give us a Bell.

New Album coming soon!!!

Just doing a little bit of unpaid work for a Local Shed Roofer.
What can I say, I Felt for him.

New Album coming soon!!!

Gary Barlow once asked me if I wanted to stand in for Robbie Williams.
I wasn't sure how to Take That.

So next Thursday/Friday I will be releasing a Comedy album.
It's called 'Sauce of Amusement' and it's quite different.
It'll be out on most streaming platforms as well as on YouTube.
I'll be posting a few teasers next week.

At my Dad's last job he never lost a single case.
That made him the top baggage handler at Gatwick Airport.

I got offered the chance to do Naked Standup Comedy recently.
There was no money in it, but it was worth it for the exposure.

When my Wife suggested I go on a diet, I was on the fence.
Until it broke.

A bit of a shock this morning.
My dad's Boyfriend just came out as gay.

The thing I hate most about Internet Security questions...

Lady from Animal shelter: Are you looking for a male or female dog?

Me: Bitch, please!

People pronouncing Kyiv wrong is my new pet Pyiv.

I always prefer my chips to be covered in Cheese but apparently it's against Casino rules.

Everyone: Why are you attaching tinsel to your new bear gloves.
Me: For....
[Turns to Camera]

..

.. dramatic paws

Spent ages editing my film entitled 'Why is Specsavers so expensive' but the production company have decided to scrap the whole thing.
Some problem with the framerate or something.

Someone said that I'm terrible at finding words that rhyme.
That person was Joe Shmo.

Found a folder in my twitter drafts called Unsent posts, these are things I thought i'd posted but for whatever reason didn't get uploaded.
There is only 3-4 so I might as well post them all now.
Hopefully you enjoy at least one of these next few posts....

Just popped up on my Facebook memories from 2020.
Use the words at the bottom to complete the Puns.

Every year I do a Christmas quiz for my family to do and this year I did a pun round (not all my jokes mind).

[Neighbour looking over fence]: What are you growing this year?
[Me, shaking pack over garden]: It's going to be a Dorito Tree.

"Wow man, congratulations, you're on fire at the moment!"
"Cheers buddy, i'm not sure how I keep doing it" ~ Spontaneous Combustion World Champion

a man wearing a red jersey with the number 3 on it is running down stairs . ALT: a man wearing a red jersey with the number 3 on it is running down stairs .

The person most likely to criticise the Air Conditioning on the set of 'Saved by the Bell' is AC Slater.

I was meant to be giving a wild Boar a skin graft today and ended up making a pig's ear of it.