James P. Taber

You can be the one tasing them if you want

Aim for the balls

In fact, any of them who express even the tamest political aspirations should be tasered

I am going to take a massive swing here and say that anyone who rolls off the Harvard Law conveyor belt is not perfect at all and is categorically unfit for public office

I read somewhere that when you leave your cats assume you're going out to hunt, and if you don't come back soon they figure you died in the attempt

So they're probably just making sure you're not a zombie or something

Rule One: You do not, under any circumstances, "gotta hand it to the Nazis"

You'd think it would be an easy rule to follow, and yet...

my tats don't qualify, but yours might

Have you read THE FIFTH SEASON by N.K. Jemisin? It's exactly this from the first line

(You probably have, but on the off chance you haven't, the whole trilogy is bonkers good)

I would certainly take one

Yet "SOMEHOW PALPATINE RETURNED" made the cut

YouTube video by media euphoria GI Robot’s Fate (Coin-Operated Boy) | Creature Commandos

G.I. Robot Goes to Washington:

"is there anything that can be done to stop me from buying more t-shirts" is exactly the sort of thing you should put on a t-shirt

Ah, yes. That's the one

Now there are two black cats, one snuggled up on my lap and the other draped across my lap. Also please don't tell my wife that I wore my shoes on the couch, my feet were cold

Oh no they're multiplying 🐈‍⬛🖤🐈‍⬛🖤

A black cat in liquid form draped across my lap, passed out with his tongue sticking out. Not pictured: him snoring

My little idiot 🐈‍⬛🖤

"But that's EELEEGALLLL"

Oh you're right! Huh, wonder what we have all these cops and lawyers and judges for, then

Is it named "Wario" because those are Wario sounds

Unless

Oh no

You might have a case of Waluigi

It says "oh shit my buffer ran out"

Ah, that must be what I'm doing wrong. When I do that for my sons, I usually start yelling "GIVE ME YOUR BOOGERS"

I wasn't aware that truces come with pause buttons

I like it for its higher caffeine levels, so my first cup of the day is light roast

"Taste" is reserved for a medium or dark roast after lunch

They call it Chow+ and anyone who guesses why gets three months free

That's some bullshit. A home of your own should be a human right, not just one more blade hanging from the ceiling above you based on the whims of a landlord

Good landlords are like mana from heaven: a boon for the soul but so rare that you don't want to say their name too loud or else

Like... those aren't his real eyes, right? Someone juiced them up with whatever the 1970s equivalent of Photoshop is, right??

Yeah, at this point I kinda figure I'll die working. It sucks but at least I'm not deluding myself about my prospects

Oh honey

I think if you actually had the power they seem to think you do—like if you were the person single-handedly deciding the outcome of US elections—these people should be quaking in their little jackboots rather than fouling your mentions

And taking shots at Prince, for some reason

The other guy is actually called Frankenstein's DOCTOR

Also: please stop putting cheese in places where it doesn't belong

Signed, a guy with a dairy allergy who would like to be less paranoid