Can’t believe Italians fumbled and named their day after Columbus. Like, couldn’t they have just picked Leonardo da Vinci? Then we could’ve just had a day off in October where we ate pizza and drank Negronis.

Also, we obviously need an Indigenous People’s Day, too, but in April. More holidays.

I think old fashioned donuts should be renamed “donuts” and all other donuts renamed “newfangled donuts.”

Subscribe to PBS Passport, you jerks. It’s $5 a month (and I’ve watched that shit stay that number even as every other streaming service dicks you).

Nature fucks. Human Footprint fucks. Daniel Tiger fucks. And it upsets the close minded. Go support, homies. 🙏

OK, so it’s Hot Ones, but instead of an interview, it’s an intervention. And if you can make it through the spiciest wings without drinking, your friends let you keep your addiction.

One of the things that sucks about this administration is that society isn’t going Wicked crazy because everything is on fire.

I love it when fantasy works replace “sir” with “ser” I’m like damn I’m definitely not in medieval Europe these are way different kinds of knights.

I love when friends are like “sublet available!” And list a zillion superfluous details except the price.

I don’t like the hugs but the hugs like me.

If I ever run a company, every new employee will be required to buy me gift cards on their first day.

If I ever get assassinated, please do not examine anything I’ve said.

Selecting “punk” as the genre in this AI song generator is probably one of the more punk rock things I’ve ever done.

I don’t like sports but I love stealing from children.

Are we in a talking about an AI Bubble bubble?

Nothing tempts our virtues more than seeing a nearby child catch a home run ball.

Strangely enough, a bottom feeder is actually a dom who likes to watch people eat.

There needs to be a Second Labor Day after Labor Day for everyone who had to work on Labor Day.

Insane power move to whip out a trapper keeper in a client meeting.

Y'know with the amount of kids today into anime and k-pop and shit, I'd love to see if we could elect a Hatsune Miku–style hologram president/idol.

I think a good gauge of whether or not a country is doing well, is whether or not the media can afford to spend time on discussing what the song of the summer is (or hot "whatever" summer).

I think we should legalize psychedelic drug treatment. Not for people's health, but 'cause I think the pharma ads for it will be great.

I love Facebook because I wouldn't know today is my ex-girlfriend's dad's best-friend's birthday without it. And I also like it when companies have one really good idea and then just buy other companies when they don't have any better ones.

I am proud to announce that these days, I usually only need one attempt to properly spell diarrhea.

Thinkin' about becoming a porn star (the guy who sits in the chair and cries while watching).

Feeling disgusted to have ever served in the KISS army.

I don't want to learn guitar I just need to learn how to play Wonderwall help.

The dude who wrote the line "What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas" has it as the 7th item in his book.

You know when you just wanna yell at a social media manager for something out of their control? That’s how I feel
after watching a half hour of commercials before the movie started.

I’ve never watched a pirated movie that was filmed on dash-cam at a drive-in.

I like giving myself fun little challenges like can I jerk off in every police station in my town?

I'm not a horse girl, not yet a horse woman.