William Gerrard

If you tried to think of a parody of an LA donut shop, you couldn’t do much better

My horse hath too many ears, milady… so I hereby giveth one to thee *unsheathes sword*

Apparently the inmates at the prison-house of language get wifi and conjugal visits?!?

My horse hath too many ears, milady… so I hereby giveth one to thee *unsheathes sword*

“As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found his hausfrau transformed in his bed into a monstrous hotwife”

Shopping for an edition of The Metamorphosis in the original German and I’m torn between these two

If you *can* carry your dog this way, you should

When you do something really cool but no one is around to see it 😫

#bookcover #coverart

— The Donut Killer

“A cropper” has got to be in the top five worst ways to come

Hollywood exec is sobbing while I’m pitching an “All Dogs Go to Heaven” reboot called “All Dogs Confront the 100 Peaceful and Wrathful Deities in the Bardo,” not sure if that’s a good or a bad sign

BEETLEJUICE (1988) Director of Photography: Thomas E. Ackerman | Director: Tim Burton | #OnePerfectShot

I’m built like this btw

I’m built like this btw

Housing in LA is even worse than you think

If you’re a purveyor of skull calipers and you’re not thinking about hiring Sydney Sweeney to appear in an ad where she holds your product and looks suggestively into the camera as she asks “What are *your* measurements,” you’re leaving a lot of money on the table

Workers at the Bureau of Labor Statistics will soon be able to place job numbers that “feel scary” into special containers

When a game of tic-tac-toe with my 4yo son ends in a draw, he has taken to saying, “I defeated you from beating me.” Incredible spin work.

“Sometimes I get the feelin I’m in some kind of work of art… and me gettin up to speak at this here town hall in Vermont, and you all listenin so kindly, are all parts of a whole… arranged just so in a symbolical way by some damned pervert who don’t care what we suffer…”

POV you’re a Waymo during the Butlerian Jihad

#bookcover #coverart

Kids are arriving at college without being able to read the runes. Young people aren't willing to hang from a tree for nine days and nights, sacrificing themselves to themselves anymore.

Hope someone in Sydney Sweeney’s orbit is counseling her not to release a line of fashion accessories monogrammed with a twin lighting bolt SS

A pardon isn’t enough, after all she’s been through. Trump should offer her a refuge from the public eye, a safe place from which to rebuild her life… a private island somewhere…

My 4yo son and 9mo daughter are collaborating on a nightly experiment to see how little sleep I can get while still being able to sustain my and their life functions

They’re listening to that “alien death throes” recording from the torture scene in Andor. And they’re enjoying it—that’s the kind of people they are.

Really hoping someone on Tea made a “don’t go chasing Waterfalls” joke

With runaway climate change now a virtual certainty, the summers will soon become crueler than Bananarama could have ever dreamed

Shaken to the core to learn that this guy’s name appears several times in the Hot Dog Files