The Cynical Hüldra

*peels off resting bitch face to reveal an even more rested and bitchier face*

If I managed a baseball team, all my decisions would be based on hunches, solar flares, and the ominous massing of blackbirds

All these people who think that being around gay people will “turn” them. And I keep asking my daughter to be a lesbian. AND SHE WON’T.

Long story short, "your honor, the balls in your court" is not the proper response to indecent exposure charges.

I’m in my “whatever happens happens” era and a lot of shit do be happening

coffee machines are the sexiest robot overlords alive

You are adorable!

a man applauds with the #schitts creek logo behind him ALT: a man applauds with the #schitts creek logo behind him

I just don't get how ppl don't understand. You can be upset about the situation and the causes and repercussions of it. However, I am not going to mourn or celebrate a person that wished me, and many ppl I love, dead w/o having even laid eyes on us. The world is a slightly better place now 🤷‍♀️

Find someone who looks at you the way I look at a fresh poured 🥃

So anyway, I’m dealing with the Vibe vibe

Meanwhile:

my most toxic trait is that sometimes i will like but not repost a skeet. then, like a day later, it comes across my feed again and i'll reskeet it. i'm not very toxic i guess

theyre called X Men because there are 10 men

i can feel it happening. i am becoming A Person who responds to messages solely with an emoji reaction!

what will help men get laid is compressinh their penises into fun shapes, such as pyramid, or festive thanskigivng turkey

getting adult acne (my pimples won't stop fucking)

muffin top is muffin bottom erasure

yeah there's cat hair on my sofa that's why it's called FURniture dummy

Okay. So pretty much everyone needs to choke on a dick tonight

MAGA = American Taliban/Isis

I only got 4 hrs of sleep. I’m already getting on my nerves.

"Have a great day" ?? First of all relax

Criticizing is easy. Trying to do something is hard.

"High functioning" and "out of order" are my only two settings.

The President—who uses antisemitic slurs—is building concentration camps and an enormous secret police force.

Ya know, maybe this is just because I’m Jewish, but I wish the political opposition and the media made a bigger deal about it!

Your mating call cannot be completed as dialed.

‘Fuck’ is my favorite kind of cluster.