Skeet Skeet Ulrich

Bought an old beat up red 1958 Plymouth Fury from some weird redneck. Thought I got a deal but all it does is kill my bullies and choke my girlfriend out.

Insurance has been a nightmare. Anytime I try to make a damage claim, the car puts itself together again before I can get photos. Total lemon.

This is what I look like.

I did get a classic heater at least 🥰

Sometimes I wipe, sometimes I don’t.

Tearing pieces of paper like the dude in Langoliers while I watch The Langoliers.

Sounds like someone found out their friends have a GroupMe without them.

Aren’t you the one who has been going on, reposting yourself for 5 hours, calling for a social media site to be….less social lmao.

This is what gets you going? Really???

I don’t know why my roommate is so upset, he told me I could get a pet. Yeah, it’s a rhino but who cares? We’ve got rent control here.

Pants are starchy cause I’ve been stroggin’off.

Thinking about Princess Diana’s hot naked corpse.

Join me on April 5th

TOMORROW April 5, we’re uniting to say HANDS OFF! Join citizens across the country to fight back against Trump’s unprecedented incompetence & blatant criminality.

DO IT FOR THE PENGUINS!

Go to app.sosha.ai/s/mkKNZwsa

You’re a fucking Boss.

Whaaaaaaaaaaat. A 90’s horror I dont know about from Arrow????

Suspiria but its Muppets. This formula works for everything but the sensory overload for this film would be a religious experience for many.

I listen to the soundtrack almost daily.

Elon Musk is just Bane without the venom.

Me and the boys watching a movie after a Disco Biscuits show.

Working on a client named Malakai and trying my hardest not to repeatedly scream “Outlander!” at everyone in my office.

Gonna tell the kids this was Elon Musk.

guidance counselor: so what do you want to do with your life

me: i guess post online and stuff

guidance counselor: (putting on glasses and taking out notepad) do you know how to make money doing that

I’ve gone through all the variations of sobriety and whatever makes you feel comfortable and all that, but….i will never give up the weed.

Weed 👏is 👏 tyte playa🤌. It’s that danky wanky. Duh skunky wunky. The ol “Don’t tell Mom! But who cares?!”. Don’t ever forget it. Mother nature’s best.

Alexa, play Man of Constant Sorrow by the Soggy Bottom Boys for the next 4 years.

If his knees are weak and his arms are heavy, he should sit down and unload whatever he’s carrying before he vomits up mom’s spaghetti.

Jesus was here

My ashes will be dispersed to the homies so they can mix them with cocaine and ketamine, and ceremoniously snort a gator tail off my grave. Then they will go home, watch Footloose in my honor, and never speak of me again.

asserting dominance in prison by introducing myself as mitochondria, the powerhouse of the cell

They’re bringing Stu and Roman back for Scream 7 but not me? 😱The disrespect.