David R. Witanowski

Jelly Babies, Two Hearts, Can't Lose.

Seriously. They're leaving money on the table here.

I'm seriously considering writing my next novel in the present tense and, idk, it feels like such a huge departure for me.

'Give me a physical copy.'
*Virr, click*
'We've got our perp.'

I remember there being halfling minis, though I can't remember if they were just for the Warhammer RPG / Citadel range. Maybe some bowmen units to support the Empire?

Cover art by Goran Gligović. Cover design by Andriy Lukin.

Raise your hand if Sophie B. Hawkins' hit single As I Lay Me Down has you asking, of yourself and others, 'Who wants tacos?'

A production of The Sound of Music where Maria actually is a will-o'-the-wisp and the von Trapps all drown in a bog.

🐀

I have a hard time believing that the people living in the Jurassic Park / World universe would lose interest in dinosaurs. Like, we haven't lost interest in elephants and lions. Hell, I don't get tired of looking at everyday, run of the mill birds.

Some expense was spared.

'You show such promise' someone murmurs as I literally race through the front doors, throwing my thieves' guild armor back on while chucking my robes off a cliff.

But honestly, I just wanted a quick tour of the mage college north of Winterhold. I didn't want to become the newest apprentice, let alone immediately start classes, get a bed assigned to me, and start forming rivalries.

It's absolutely ludicrous that we passed over Athena/Minerva and Hera/Juno when naming newly discovered planets. Neptune rules the ocean. Uranus is literally the personification of the night sky. And Pluto rules the underworld. They don't need planets (or ex-planets) named after them.

*raps knuckles against the table* 'Excuse me, but I think what we're overlooking when it comes to thaumaturgists-'

A lovely day on the canal. Also, there's probably a giant gator wielding a halberd or rat monarch that spits venom coming up.

I know this is just a canal lock but, also, do I have enough health and mana potions for this boss fight?

Wait, it's *not* cool? Dammit, what have I been doing for the last fifteen years?

Lapins Crétins are the Minions of France, change my mind.

If anyone had just been like, 'Skyrim is basically a modern Ultima' I probably would have played it when it came out.

Ramba Ral, you done MS-07 Goufed.

I think the most shocking thing about Jaws to a modern reader isn't so much the killer shark as it is the concept of people going on summer vacations that last three full months.

Post your getaway vehicle.

Did you know that horses can't cross running water? It burns them.

Oh, wait. In spite of having the all the information in the world at our fingertips, nothing has changed.

It was simpler, more lies-filled time.

And you'd just reflect, like, wow, the more you know. Or you could be like, "Didn't they make a film about that?" and try to get people to think that They Shoot Horses, Don't They? was about this problem.

Before the internet, you'd just be minding your own business and someone would say, "Did you know that horses can't go down stairs?" and someone else would immediately agree, adding, "I hear one got on the second floor of a hotel back in the 1920's, and they had to shoot it."

Doppelgängers are the most at-risk group for imposter syndrome.