TomFaux

Small, New York-style Domino's pizza.

That's it. That's the joke.

Seeing a funny meme on r/PeterExplainsTheJoke but refusing to upvote it because it's the most painfully obvious joke

I would like to thank everyone who helped me achieve this, and a special thanks my countable friends. 3. Three friends who helped me. They can be counted.

Someone's last name at work is KORN and my brain continues to flip the R. There's nothing I can do about it.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on you for picking on someone so vulnerable.

These chocolates and I have the same 23andMe results

Turning the bidet down two pressure settings when guests come over to avoid judgement.

I've been debating if I should DoorDash 3 burritos for $38 for the past 45 minutes.

It's perfectly gratuitous and justifiable all at the same time.

Super Mario RPG has the same energy as when my aunt tells my family to huddle close for a photo

Waking up and eating McDonald's breakfast is the equivalent to waking up in Stardew Valley, spending all your energy on watering crops, and going back to bed at 8am

Excuse me?

I placed an order for a pizza online.
Immediately get a call from the restaurant.
"Hey, is this Tom?"
"Yeah."
"I see your order. I just wanted to let you know it's going to be disgusting."

Wicked: For Good was an absolute rehash of Destiny 2. I've already seen the story of Peter Dinklage losing his voice.

Anyone who says the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" has never played a physics based puzzle game.

I can't believe I burnt my hand making Eggo waffles and I ended up more disfigured than the girl from Ready Player One

Got asked to partake in a survey for reddit

I want to put a sticker on my front bumper that says "if you can read this, I'm tailgating"

I bet there's people out there that see it's raining and think "I have to take my car for a drive and get a free car wash."

It's good odds because I'm those people.

Thinking about writing a movie about a bunch of kind and charitable people donating their time to people in need and then hiring only method actors. Maybe hire Francis Ford Coppola to direct so it gets stuck in production hell for 12 years. Thoughts?

Haven't heard back from her 😞

Tell me about it...

So this 24 hour thing is some sick joke?

The founders of Hooters' would think this, wouldn't they?

People say they hate going to the grocery store hungry because they buy too many snacks. I make sure to always sniff my glue before going to Staples.

It's so frustrating when my prescription comes in a green pill. It's like, great, now I gotta find a green drink to take it with.

I thought Stranger Things had the world record for overusing "Running Up That Hill" until I watched Peacemaker overuse "Oh Lord"

Mansplaining domestic assault to your wife to gaslight her might be the best scene in The Sopranos

Why do I always have to put my ducks in a row? Why can't they be in a column? I want some verticality in my ducks.

As if life wasn't confusing enough. There's a "multiple appearances" section on the "One Hit Wonder" Wikipedia article.

Is it really that important to unionize? I still don't see how restoring the amount of electrons in an atom will help our workforce.