virgil (king shit of fuck mountain)

dad (on the phone helping me troubleshoot a lawnmower): oh did you hear the news?
me: yea... i'm not gonna say-
dad: don't say he had it coming that's not nice!
me: ......all im saying is there are people who maybe deserved it less-
dad (in place of my deadname for the first time): VIRGIL NO

petplay but i drink a bunch of water too fast and throw up on ur bed

I HANDMADE ANOTHER 70 BOOKS THIS WEEKEND. PLEASE GIVE THEM ATTENTION. I'm giving up being subtle. They're great books. I'm very tired.

New micros by Molly Knox and V N Garmon are available at thebraag.co/shop 💚💀

best birthday ever i love my life

(making conversation with a she/they while our mutual friend is in the bathroom) sooo are you a they on your mother's side or your father's

me buying 15 inch long danish: ah yes. breakfast for the week :)
me brain meltingly stoned at midnight rippin off pieces of 15 inch long danish with my bare hands: ourghgh.......

my favorite thing about my woman is the way she can walk up to literally anyone at a party and start a lively argument that lasts all night

getting sucked while watching Cronenberg call that Videodome

BREAKFAST AT SHONEYS
AT $2.99
SAVED ME SOME MONEY
AND EASED UP MY MIND

dean ween and gene ween from my favorite band, ween

:/

does acab include robert cop from robocop

love this animal

this is a bold claim and i dont really have the scientific evidence to back it up yet but i am starting to suspect that some things in life need to not be virgil's problem. thoughts?

it's funny when I'm really stoned on a walk and I see someone drive by in the same car that I own cause for a brief second it's always like "holy shit is that me?"

the time has finally come to test my woman's love by introducing her to garth marenghi's darkplace

Guy at guitar center with a three-part goatee told me I looked “exactly like herman monster” and then went back to shredding Paranoid by Black Sabbath

doing your t shot on your period

Doctor: This is not easy news, but, we found a worm in your brain. We've removed it, but need to run some tests.
Me: I kept it worm for you.
Doctor: What?
Me (slightly louder): I kept it Wourm for you

listen brother im all about 2 things: girl spit and i forget the other one

8am text from my roommate

(watching final destination with a girl) i would never let that happen to you btw

i haaaaate it when my girlf riend falls asleep very inconsiderate of her. i wanted to tell her something so funny and by the time she wakes up i will have forgotten what it is

GOD FORBID a man be HUNGRY

reached a new low today after a car battery burst on the charger at work and as i first detected the egg-and-mustard odor of vaporized sulfuric acid my mouth started watering uncontrollably bc it reminded me of deviled eggs

in the garden poorly playing foggy mtn breakdown for the blue jays and beet plants and saying "wait wait" and "wait no" and "no wait" every time i hit a wrong note

braving the store to procure cesnecka ingredients for my agonies
save me 30 cloves of garlic
30 cloves of garlic
30 cloves of garlic.. save me....

the steller's sea eagle, or steagle,

blasting a cool marijuana cigarette will not tangibly solve any of my problems but at least i will be mostly occupied with "thinking i maybe just saw a ghost" and "reading stuff on wikipedia"