I haven’t got the energy to book a priority Christmas delivery slot - stop this madness

a judge is sitting in a courtroom with her hands in the air and the words `` case closed '' written on the screen . ALT: a judge is sitting in a courtroom with her hands in the air and the words `` case closed '' written on the screen .

At the trial for murdering my husband:
Judge: any last words?
Me: he moved the toaster setting
Judge: NOT GUILTY

Just starting on celebrity traitors, and cannot stop myself from saying fuck off every time Tom Daley appears

Butterkist butterkist ra ra ra

As a grown adult, I get into the bath far too many times having forgot my towel

Friends I’ve got terrible news: I’ve just eaten a Charlie binghams meal for one I’d ordered by mistake, as I usually by their serves two…., and the meal for one was enough food

*wipes tear from eye*

I finally found the washing machine I’d been looking for on & off for nine months.

I guess given the fact I’d been searching hotpoint when the machine I wanted was a hoover might have something to do with it

Don’t you just love how you don’t know your dishwasher is broken until it’s complexly full and ready to go on

I either need to stop doing DIY barefoot, or stop dropping things on my toes 🤷🏽‍♂️

Is having a gift bag full of used gift bags the new carrier bag full of carrier bags - sick of the bastards

Having to turn off Face ID cause I can’t beat my reflection

First time wearing jeans all summer 😕

Eating the pizza I bought for dinner now probably isn’t the best move

I think the S fell off

Cheer up pal

There needs to be a term for reaching the age where you take a food product to the window to read the cooking instructions

Skills include: turning the hob buttons on* with my belly

*accidentally

Oh cool

Can not be doing with the lucky dip, that is a new tub on vanish & digging for the scoop

Who the fuck says bloody?

People having a sleeve of tattoos is the modern day equivalent of kids grafting their pencil case or putting stickers on their folders

It’s mother ducking moths as big as bats flying in your face season…, or was that just a bat 🤷🏽‍♂️

Actual lols

Let it be known: a decision has been made., tonight we shall dine on egg n chips

Are you happy now?

a man in a black leather jacket says " i think you 're kind of rude " ALT: a man in a black leather jacket says " i think you 're kind of rude "

Using a cash machine that charges for withdrawals

Might do a dissertation just for lols on people who post hospital selfies on the socials. Extra points for gown, cannula, “u ok hun” and “take care m8” comments

Just casually sat here indoors sweating., eating a lasagne for two on one of the hottest days of the year so far

And the pride of Britain award goes to…..

Might watch Gladiator II later., the plot looks really good