Dan Morgan

Johnny Knoxville, his new wife, John Waters, and a dog standing in front of a floral arch.

Instead of the Nuzzi shit, let's focus on the fact that apparently Johnny Knoxville got married this past weekend, the wedding was officiated by John Waters, and a dog was involved

UK to ban resale of tickets above face value for live events Aggressive crackdown on touts comes after backlash over cost of watching live music and sport

Exclusive:

UK ministers plan to ban the resale of tickets for live events above their original cost, in an aggressive crackdown on touts and resellers who sharply increase the price of admission to concerts and sports events.

www.ft.com/content/e76d...

Going out on a limb here, but if Tommy Robinson is tweeting praising your new immigration policy YOU MIGHT HAVE LOST YOUR MIND, MORAL COMPASS AND REASON TO EXIST Labour

Dear Mahmood/Labour,

Once the strutting fascist, Yaxley Lennon, is taking credit for your policies, you must know you’ve completely lost your way. You need to get your head out of your arse and your account off X.

Yours
The real silent (fair-minded and ignored) majority of the UK

I was tagged and asked to take a look at this claim - cos, well just look at it!🙄

Does it seem plausible that THE Trocadero is going to be turned into a Mosque?

It was pretty easy to debunk but I decided to do a deep dive into the reality AND the appalling press coverage

🧵
1/26

It would be one thing having a "debate" on immigration if people meant they wanted a "debate" based on facts. But what most people seem to mean when they say they want a debate is that is they want us to pretend a bunch of entirely made up bullshit is true.

"The cat scratched my groin when he saw that woman from Strictly"
"Claudia Winkleman?"
"No, man, but it was close"

Right up until my 20s I wondered why I never saw a copy of Donkey Otie in bookshops or libraries, even though it seemed to be quite well known

"If you don't let me punch you in the face, the other guy will kick you in the nuts" doesn't seem like a sustainable political message.

While it may seem redundant to say “pump it up” after encouraging the listener to “pump up the jam,” the author is underscoring the urgency of pumping up said jam; leaving us to ponder the bleakness of living in a world devoid of it.

My wife's weird, last week she said she wouldn't mind if I had a tattoo, today she's complaining about all the bagpipers in the garden.

The bloody neighbours have gone out and left John Cage’s 4’33 on full blast again.

Now im going to divide you into two groups. "Far right activists" and "Government" The second group - if youre not sure what you do, just copy the first group as best you can, and hope nobody will notice.

Next a real glamour job. Which one of you wants to be in charge of of checking that the word "comedian" has inverted commas.

If the UK is on the brink of civil war, as Musk claims, it follows that in 300 years time there will be be a new generation of civil war re-enactment societies.

"Geoff,you defend Laurence Fox. Can you guys shout outside a hostel. Brian, i need you to relentlessly slag off Nish Kumar on Facebook."

But more to the point - offering asylum to people fleeing war or torture or persecution is what decent nations do. It's what defines us. Without that it's just a race to the bottom.

Without asylum:

Marks and Spencer wouldn't exist

Queen would have been without a front man

The other queen wouldn't have had a husband

Judith Kerr would never have written The Tiger Who Came to Tea

And thousands of less famous people wouldn't have been teachers, politicians, neighbours, etc

The legendary cat meme that started an era

The difference in time between now and I can has cheezburger

Is the same between I can has Cheezburger and the Berlin Wall falling

We had to stop watching The Twits because the bit where the idiots believe the obvious lies of the obvious liars cuts too close to the bone in Brexit Britain.

Dear apologists, the answer to the question “is trafficking a 15 year old for sex really all that bad?” is yes. I hope that clears that up for you.

I hate that AI has made me approach cute animal videos with an air of suspicion. I resent having to harden my heart to the possibility of an unlikely friendship between a very large dog and a very small one

At the

Ultimately, politics is about making hard choices and leading.

Sure, easy for me to say, but you won’t get there by focusing only on just the one selective bit of public opinion you fear today.

[Scene is a kitchen - a middle aged woman called JANET is boiling peas at the stove. A younger more colourfully dressed woman named LIZ approached her.] JANET: Ugh... LIZ: What's up? JANET: I am so bored of cooking peas! LIZ: Have you tried... AI peas? JANET: AI peas? LIZ: They're peas with AI! [Liz holds up to us a packet of peas labelled: Pea-i AI - Peas with AI]. LIZ: Al-powered peas harness the potential of your peas JANET: What LIZ [Now a voiceover as we cut to a whizzy technology diagram of peas all connected by meaningless dotted lines] Why not take your peas to the next level with Al Peas' new Al tools to power your peas? [Show a techno diagram of a pea with a label reading 'AI' pointing to a random zone in it] LIZ: Each pea has Al in a way we haven't quite worked out yet but it's fine [Show Janet and Liz now in a Matrix-style world of peas] LIZ: With Al peas you can supercharge productivity and make AI work for your peas! JANET: What LIZ: Shut up LIZ: Our game-changing Pea-Al gives you the freedom to unlock the potential of the power of the future of your peas workflow From opening the bag of peas to boiling the peas to eating the peas To spending millions on adding Al to the peas and then having to work out what that even means. JANET: Is it really necessary to- LIZ [Grabbing Janet by the collar]: THE PEAS HAVE GOT AI, JANET [Cut to an advert ending screen, with the bag of peas and the slogan: AI PEAS: Just 'Peas' for god's sake buy the AI peas. [Ends]

Every ad now

"This could take down Democrats, too."

I know. And I frankly wouldn't give even an itty bitty damn if it implicated every Democratic man in Congress, every Democratic hopeful for 2028 and every Democrat who has even thought about running for office.

Down with the sex predators, wherever they are.

Exactly what it says on the label: The Pope in 1982. He's wearing a black hat, dark RayBans, and looks like he's a member of the Blues Brothers.

What's from Chicago, hates Illinois Nazis, and is holy as fuck?

It's the Pope in 1982.

QANON CULTIST IN 2017: "In this 1,879 page thread I will unravel the byzantine system of codewords and phrases the global elite use to mask their pedophile cabal."

JEFFREY EPSTEIN WRITING AN EMAIL AT THE SAME TIME: "helo its me jeff had fun cmmitting sex crimes wit u lst weeknd"

TV conspiracies: we’ve hacked their computers but they’ve perfectly cleaned up the evidence!

Real conspiracies:
To: conspirator
From: famous person
Attachment: evidence.png

With no period given for early release.