Allie N

I know why I bother. I need to get my head sorted so I'm going into a grippy sock vacation tomorrow. Sometimes the brain gets too silly and I was forced off my meds all fucking month for "reasons"

The dream would be doing colouring books looking over a farm and surrounded by support animals.

So every time the ptsd goes there's someone to calm me down instead of poke and prod me

I love getting both cPTSD flashbacks and minor ptsd from past week like an awful rollercoaster range up and down.

I need all of the help, so badly, but starting with getting away from my mom. Now I remember where the cPTSD was floated b4 surgery. Cause of her neglect/abuse/"love"

Some day I'll see the recordings my gf did. Going to be funny to see just how crazy this crazy bitch was.

Damn my brain is scary. Idk what cPTSD did to her but fucking hell I need so much help it's not even funny.

Me after hearing what I was actually like. Holy fuck yeah grippy socks were needed.

I was sooooo terrified my delusions literally were that my mom was vault teching me because she kept screaming at me to take my meds.

No wonder the cop was like your brain is cooked.

Literally ignore me. I so desperately need my medications sorted and not to live with my fucking mother ever again holy shit is this the worst possible living situation

Yeah, honestly I haven't done much digging into the weeds of them yet. Kinda feel like a moot point to me idk.

Palantir? That's one I've looked at a lot and wonder how it gets to be so secret.

Idk, in case that whole spy thriller shit was real like it was last time the whole spy thriller shit was real but I got grippy socked and gaslit till it made no more sense.

Yeah, I'm still in play. That's the thing about Allies game. It's her game because it's the only way she wants to live.

That's the bitch about a hyperreality ain't it

Wooo did my reality feel absolutely perfect and made perfect sense or were you checks notes just finding a way to enjoy your life...

My favourite part of being held against my will in a mental institution is getting to reevaluate everything that happened to me and everything I did with the newly reminded possibility you were completely delusional.

It's all just abuse. That's all the game is. Abuse.

Lost in the hell of knowing the pain. Lost in the hell of figuring out the sources of your pain. Lost in the horrors of realisation. Your head telling you how close you really are.

The truth. The toxic painful truth. You tried to process it as it came. No realised

Off to the socks you go

I wish I could easily discard this weekend as just crazy. As just wrong. As just anything other than what I think happened.

The stories we tell ourselves don't make the horrors of reality any less visceral. A shattered soul pushed beyond her breaking point, relieved 3 whole times with no stops.

I've already felt what it's like to feel the raw pain of your entire life be screamed through you. It was miserable, but what makes it worse is how I was still abused by a system I begged to stop abusing me over and over again. For what I will forever be left to ponder

I don't got anything left personally. I've already been mentally destroyed past repair, and for what. If any of the explanations I could come up with rhyme with the truth it'd be for the betterment of my own lifes reality to not mention them.

Fuck it. If any part of the game in my mind is real. Just leave me alone I've deserved that much.

I already have a life time of writing required to explain my own life in the past month.

Honesty is the answer not the enemy. I'll still hold out hope some of the more fever dream aspects were real.

Mood

I failed at all of those and still am an absolute nobody.

Fair enough, but if I should be allowed to go about my business unmolested. Not thrown in grippy sock jail every time misunderstands my unending pain with malice.

I believe our species should be fostering our brains. Not trying to make them hurt everyone else for someone else's gain.

I wanted to be on the right side of history with what I had found. Help out where I could, but protect those I love.

That's always the story of my life. Someone fucks me up and there's no one I get to blame. It's always an institution, ripe for abuse in the grey area and abusive by nature on the best of days.

Always trying to break my spirit but only ever breaking my poor brain.

Definitely passed the grippy sock and broken soul quota. After what they did to me on 9/11 I don't think I can ever forgive. Especially because no one will even offer an apology.

Not one. Ruined my life and my future and not one. Just a lawyer telling me they can't do anything because ofc

I'm going to write a lot about what I mean when I say my own hyper reality. I think it's a glimpse at the human condition few understand. I just hate that I always have to be worried about having my words be weaponized against the pacifism I believe in. I guess I have officially become a journalist

Imagine you could create your own reality by picking and choosing the things that make you have hope for the world. Would you not want to live in that one. I sure do. One where my game rules actually affect the real world. Instead of just make observers uncomfortable.

I'm posting on here because this is my home My escape. I don't post for fucked up games I post because this is one of the few places I've ever felt excepted for being the crazy broke person I'm

Have you heard what I've been through. Fuck me for wanting to have a hyperreality where things don't suck

I had a nice dream while I was held against my will at least. At least I did something to bring about world peace in my dreams.

Alas my dreams will probably forever be that. No one likes a traumatized wreck of a pacifist it seems.

At least the my psych finally okayed the medications they took me off of a month ago for genuinely no idea.

Yay I can have my anti depressents and drugs that help me back

At least I live in Canada where I don't get in legal trouble for my honest truth I suppose

Seriously I just want to be able to say my honest truth on socials because it's an outlet for me. Why does my honest truth constantly feel like it's pissing someone off 😮‍💨

Unspecified psycho is where you get held against your will every time you scare someone apparently I'm so confused why I keep getting held over and over in hospitals I know are literally my personal nightmares.

What's another 2 days over the Thanksgiving weekend eh...