Anthony D. Herrera

Motherless Hunks. Citizens of nowhere.

Out on the porch. 2:00 AM. Yawning. Bat flies into mouth. 3 seconds. Flies out. In it’s claws, a tiny man. Screaming tiny screams. Unknown if bat had man before entering mouth. Doctor said I should vibe more, so won’t let it bother me.

Goddamn, that just reminded me of the movie Ricochet where John Lithgow plays a killer getting out of a jail and a guard asks, "Did you remember to floss?" and John Lithgow says, "Yes, with your mother's pubic hair."

I had no business watching that movie as an eight-year-old.

Thank you for having a high enough opinion of me to think that I floss.

Out on the porch. 2:00 AM. Yawning. Bat flies into mouth. 3 seconds. Flies out. In it’s claws, a tiny man. Screaming tiny screams. Unknown if bat had man before entering mouth. Doctor said I should vibe more, so won’t let it bother me.

What rights do the Rain Men have in this new world?

Paul Shaffer is the Alan Moore of pop music.

It's a song about the ultimate victory of Paganism over Christianity resulting in an unholy cataclysm and endless fucking for the survivors.

The lyrics to It's Raining Men canonically state that Mother Nature went to war with the angels of Heaven in order to rearrange the sky so that it could rain men for all the single women because she's a single woman too and that's why it's one of the greatest songs ever written.

My favorite part of giving blood is when I tell the nurse to put the filled-up vial up to their ear and they're all, "Is that Breaking The Law by Judas Priest?" and I'm all, "There is no cure for my loud blood."

Annual reminder that both Will Smith and Queen Latifah have been killed by jellyfish in movies.

My favorite part of giving blood is when I tell the nurse to put the filled-up vial up to their ear and they're all, "Is that Breaking The Law by Judas Priest?" and I'm all, "There is no cure for my loud blood."

Neighbors have been sending me Cameos where the celebrities tell me that they hope that I die and then describe how they hope I will die. I was taking it in my stride but hearing Colin Mochrie say that he hopes I mistake my ass for two giant hams and eat my own fat ass to death just broke me.

Neighbors have been sending me Cameos where the celebrities tell me that they hope that I die and then describe how they hope I will die. I was taking it in my stride but hearing Colin Mochrie say that he hopes I mistake my ass for two giant hams and eat my own fat ass to death just broke me.

Doctor told me I got a fatty liver and before I could even ask she was all "And no, it isn't delicious. We ran tests. It tastes bad. It sucks. No redeeming value. We used science to determine this."

Opened up one of those multi-soda dispensing machines at the movie theater to see how it worked. There was a goblin inside. Tubes connected to its numerous nipples. It likes to be milked. It wants to be milked.

Cousin somehow tricked me again into doing a sock puppet show and right on schedule I got confused and then panicked when I saw the strange creatures growing out of the ends of my arms and tried to gnaw my hands off.

Opened up one of those multi-soda dispensing machines at the movie theater to see how it worked. There was a goblin inside. Tubes connected to its numerous nipples. It likes to be milked. It wants to be milked.

Cousin somehow tricked me again into doing a sock puppet show and right on schedule I got confused and then panicked when I saw the strange creatures growing out of the ends of my arms and tried to gnaw my hands off.

Renee Zellweger has stolen my story about the time I shit my pants in the third grade and is passing it off as her own and I don't know what to do about it.

My ventriloquist dummy, Fox Jeffworthy, refuses to wear a mask so I have no choice but to kick him out of my Slipknot tribute band Sounds of Iowa: A Slipknot Experience.

Blimp ownership was a responsibility I was absolutely not ready for. I know that now. So can you please use your civil war era cannon, which I will no longer make fun of, to shoot my out-of-control dirigible from the heavens before anyone else gets hurt?

Scabs are cannibal potato chips.

Everyone in San Antonio remembers August 1991 because of the four kids who disappeared and reappeared 9 days later all a full foot taller and speaking a language only they understood, but for me that was the month my cousin's Barbie developed stigmata.

God Damn Judy Moody, how the hell you gonna have a not bummer summer? What’s your secret, Judy Moody? There’s only weeks left, Judy. Teach us. Teach us how to salvage this bitch.

Upsetting my entire family by referring to Super Mario as Violence Plumber

Suitcase full of Doctor Who VHS tapes

Everyone in San Antonio remembers August 1991 because of the four kids who disappeared and reappeared 9 days later all a full foot taller and speaking a language only they understood, but for me that was the month my cousin's Barbie developed stigmata.

Quick question:

Does anyone have any experience monetizing portals and/or realms?

Street preachers set up on the corner by work. Fat man quoting scripture while girls in bathing suits flank him either side. Nobody’s going to Hell on their watch.