Ellen

I'm not sure when Paul Wall became my comfort artist while waiting for mom's cancer diagnosis to get narrowed down but what it do, baby. In my defense, 'The People's Chance' is potentially the best album to come out of Swishahouse.

This is my first piece from a day and a half after I decided to learn to knit, lol. I've gotten a little farther today but haven't taken a pic yet.

Alf has a penis?

You know a physical therapist has the juice if they're a sadist. They're gonna get you better in no time flat while causing you more physical pain than any CIA interrogator.

I just watched a man add 2 45lb bumpers to a hack squat machine, add clips (?) and then just leave the gym. He didn’t even do a rep.

This dude never unracks anyway but wtf

Gordon Ramsay: yeah? and where the fuck does this door take us then?

Head Chef: NO-

(loud rattling cymbal)

Gordon Ramsay: oh fuck me. the lost city. restaurant is built on top of the lost city

(lizard man hisses at Gordon)

Gordon Ramsay: the lost lizard city. fuck me. fuck off

Yesterday was 75 degrees. Today, I don't have power thanks to a massive blizzard and this is on my roof where the power line comes into my house.

Nebraska: it isn't for everybody.

That was me and this last round of Covid. Absolutely brutal.

Nothing makes me more patriotic than LBJ loudly talking nonstop about his monster hog to anyone who would listen. 🇺🇸 🎉🎆🍆

I want you to know that I actually cackled out loud at this

I mistakenly read this as Susan Collins for a minute and got excited that she grew a backbone.

Couldn't happen to a better guy.

My ER nurse husband is going to psyched fo learn he has so much power.

Lmao, that's my rep getting roasted. Get fucked, Flood.

As a Nebraskan, yeah.

Same.

Its so oddly sweet that he's familiar enough to call her Meghan.

The problem with watching stupid commentary videos on YouTube is that I want to joke that my mom has the animal crossing of cancer, but no one is going to get the reference, lmao.

Per the oncologist, it's likely chronic lymphatic leukemia. Slow moving and manageable. So my mom has leukemia, but the good news is that she'll have it for a long time.

Life is weird.

when you put the puppy killer in charge of homeland security…

I will always love and respect USPS but good god, getting this box out took me 10 minutes. I have no idea how they even got it in there.

[if Chuck Schumer replaced Liam Neeson in Taken]

CHUCK SCHUMER: [on phone] I don’t know who you are or what you want, but I will find you and I will help you kill my daughter

Democratic Leaders Stand Real Still In Hopes No One Notices Them WASHINGTON—With the elected officials trying their hardest not to move a muscle, reports confirmed Monday that top Democratic leaders in Congress were standing real still in hopes that the American pe...

Democratic Leaders Stand Real Still In Hopes No One Notices Them

The joy of having an account on a website where I'm kinda just shouting into the void is that I can say stuff like this.

My mom probably has leukemia.

This is Tellen. She went to work with her human today. The only agenda item on her calendar is dropping toys in the hallway until someone plays with her. 14/10

The Bob & Brad Massage Gun is legit on parr with the theragun and for WAY less. Highly recommend.

Sometimes Nebraskan politicians surprise me.

Be kind to a someone today. Everyone is walking around scared. Some are right on the edge and others push it to their unconscious but no one is immune. This plane has all the makings of hell but it can be the opposite when we connect with each other