Ron Sequitur ꙮ

Don't forget to change your clocks by an hour sometime, somehow

Yessssss

Recipes in the 1960s would call for an entire ham, cut into 1/8th inch cubes, a gallon of vanilla ice cream, and would be called something like, "Heaven's Dew."

(to the tune of Cat Scratch Fever)

Ham Patch Levers

[finding the stash of hidden halloween candy] Obi Wan was right to hide you from me

"He's the absolute master at trolling."

"Liberal heads explode in 3...2..."

"I can't cum unless he owns the libs"

"This is my entire identity and that isn't sad or deranged"

"4D Chess, baby"

Pease porridge hot
Pease porridge cold
Nobody knows what pease porridge is

Hickory dickory dock
Don't sniff glue
You'll start seeing mice
On clocks
There's one now
Hold my glue
I'll throw this hammer at it
I think I broke the clock
[softly weeping for 12 minutes]
[dry heave]
[dry heave]
Is the hammer ok
[dry heave]
Hickory dickory dock

There is no Dana, only BIG FALL SAVINGS AT MENARDS

What's your favorite Sisqo song about underpants

ELMO: Elmo can count to four!
GROVER: I have a degree from a college on the Internet.
ELMO: Yay!
GROVER:
GROVER: You're... are you mocking me.

Should have been called a Cheese and Ham Sandwich, massive overreach by Big Ham

Welcome to the jungle
We've got David Blaine
We don't know what he's doing here
Seriously though, why's he here

Cows are nature's camels

[Bad Company voice] ♫ FEEL LIKE MAKING POSTS ♫

"Where's my antifungal ointment?" he asked a bit too loudly. "It's a tube of ANTIFUNGAL OINTMENT" he screamed into a bullhorn he had found.

GUY: Hi I'm Dave.
DATE: I'm Cheryl, nice to m-
PUPPET: I'm Crackers.
DATE: Uh, I...
GUY:
PUPPET: Dave. I'm thirsty.
DATE:
GUY: Sorry, I
DATE: No it's ok
GUY: [pouring water into puppet] No, it's not.

DOCTOR: And how are we feeling today?
GUY: Great, can't compl-
PUPPET: He has a rash.
DOCTOR:
GUY:
DOCTOR:
PUPPET: It's on his balls.

More like AromaSCAREapy, because I don't like trying new things

President Angry That Video of President Makes President Sound Like Hapless Boob

[restraining jubilation] [singing into my thumb]

"money money money money.... .MONEY!!" okay yeah this thumb thing was a mistake

That'll be $9000

a green monster with the word weed written on the bottom ALT: a green monster with the word weed written on the bottom

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If you like Pina Coladas
I've got a good deal for you
Come to Dave's Fancy Blender
It's my place, I am Dave

Buttwhy

[first day teaching sketch comedy]

ME: When you pantomime singing into a microphone, sing into your thumb. Lotta people go for the old "The mic is invisible" move, but trust me on this one.

I have a secret handshake with my accountant, and by "accountant" I mean "mannequin who lives in my guest bedroom" and by "secret" I mean [37 seconds of dialup modem noises]

🍊: [leverages his office to enrich himself]
RUBES: He is so smart

🍊: [engages in textbook white nationalism]
RUBES: Hell yah I voted for this

🍊: [installs himself as dictator]
RUBES: Can't wait to see librul heads explode, waah haha

🍊: [burns down RUBE's home]
RUBES: Omg, he is the master troll

Ignorance requires the will to be so.