the modern Epimetheus

For a beautiful minute I forgot how to comprehend words and thought you were saying Elon had died

One of my best friends and the CEO of the Onion being in Barcelona at the same time is a fun little crossover, like I'm reading two sections of an anthology side by side. What adventures will they have? Will they cross paths? Have they both now seen the weirdly sexual Catalan giraffe?

LOL, yeah, I can see where it'd be easy to hate

What book did you hate?

Bold casting choice for Justine Moritz but I'll reserve judgment

There are more of us than there are of them.

Sometimes allergists are wack. I didn't get cat shots for 20 years because my first allergist told me I was too allergic for them to ever work. (Not to be anti-science about it, just--yeah, sometimes conclusions are jumped to.)

Like I don't want Dickens again but I'm not convinced that the only non-incumbent that I like knows what the hell he's doing, but both my district city council candidates are great. Can I just have one as representative and one as council president and then Malhotra can be the mayor

How do we have such excellent candidates for city council and school board while all four of our mayoral candidates are so profoundly disappointing

a drawing of two rabbits that are standing on their hind legs Alt: a drawing of two rabbits that are standing on their hind legs rocking out

rabbit rabbit

🙁🫂 that sucks

I think I need to eat breakfast

The chainsaws didn't actually do anything, they just had one guy writing the name of each individual tree back in the truck

THE MEN WHO TOOK YOUR TREES, KATHERINE

You should have gotten the American Chainsaw Choir to do it

That tiktok you posted made me realize i have the Welcome to the Black Parade G note reaction to the D minor at the beginning of Kyrie. We should both be in jail.

I would like to also be familiar with the Lovecraft themed tiki bar....

I WILL NOT COMPLY IN ADVANCE!!! I WILL NOT COMPLY ON TIME!!! I MIGHT COMPLETELY FORGET TO COMPLY AT ALL!!!!! THIS MACHINE FORGETS TO DO WHAT FASCISTS TELL IT - DASHARE.ZONE ADMIN

I WILL NOT - dashare.zone ADMIN

I can't start talking about Frankenstein because I'll talk about it for four hours and I need to do things like shower and make food instead (no admiring the majesty of nature, though, sorry, Mary, I can't do your whole theme this morning) but rest assured I've got some Opinions in the oven

My brain tripped over the first line.

Somebody told me
that you ate the cold plums
I put in the icebox
hoping that I could save them for breakfast

Holy shit I'm sorry!! glad nothing was taken!

My inability to use one of the website's services for no evident reason is this poor guy's white whale and I hope he fixes it both because it would be convenient for me and because if he can't, it might destroy him

Shout out to the credit union employee who has decided that a mysterious unresolved problem I've been having for years is now his personal quest

It is extremely funny for a doctor to diagnose Dexter with "irritating" though. he's never gonma live that down

....but you Are Allergic to him, what is your allergist on

What in the Jack Skellington fuckery is this?! No Christmas displays! It's not Halloween yet!

Oh no, I'm glad you're all right!

you don't understand. as someone who isn't inherently good at art, stealing paintings from the museum is the *only* way i'm able to express myself creatively. i wouldn't be able to paint beautiful portraits. but by breaking into a museum and stealing the paintings, now i am

Does my money not work if I don't have enough room on my phone for another goddamn app or did scanning a physical piece of paper raze your village to the ground as a child

This should be illegal