JohnBear

Trump's new presidential walk of fame in the White House. Replacing the picture of Joe Biden as an autopen flanked by two pictures of Trump are, from left to right, Trump's birthday letter to Jeffrey Epstein, Biden's official photo, and the Sharpiegate hurricane map.

Fixed it! #autopen #glasshouses

Take care everyone! I'm gonna lock myself out of this account for a while. Will still be here on my other account.

the key thing to understand is that the primary reason that venture capitalists turned hard right-wing is that MeToo removed the only thing they care about: the ability to rape their subordinates

I believe the newspeak would be PreCrimeThink.

How many more stamps does Judge Xinis need on her card before she joins the "Long Suffering Club™"?

i keep thinking about this

Ambassador Spock modeling the proper “fuck you, make me” response to intimidation tactics. Our current-day institutions could learn a lot from him.

Why would you be friends with someone like that? I could maybe see “friends with benefits,” but only if the benefits were *amazing*.

How did Trump capitulate to China? Last I heard that tariff remained at 125%? Or did something new happen in the last 5 minutes?

I'm thinking that, back in the day, wood barrels were basically discarded packaging that you could find in any back alley. Nowadays, I think the closest thing would be a cardboard box.

Squad of police is way better disincentive to shopppers than picketers.

Gitmo? What do you think this is, 2001?

I hear he ran into some pretty gruff billygoats over the weekend.

What’s your money in now? Cash, euros, gold, ammo…?

A laser beheading device from the comic The Kurosagi Corpse Delivery Service.

That would mean they were all Michael Meyers!

And leaves a little message on the bill to that effect

This ends with the US becoming the fourth constituent country of the Kingdom of Denmark, doesn’t it?

Wisconsin hates Elon so much it could be one of his kids.

Elon’s Downfall

As LBJ once said, "I just wanna hear the sonofabitch deny it."

The earth rotates 90 degrees every six hours.

Something is fundamentally wrong with America when millions of dollars can’t buy you a Wisconsin Supreme Court seat, the respect of your children, the silence of your baby mammas, or a functional penis implant.

I guess Putin just figured out why he's been getting nothing but press releases on his Signal for the past month.

The only way this is going to end: "After all this forced labor, I, for one, could use a nice shower."

You weren't wrong about Barr tempering Trump's worst impulses. Just where that line would be.

Join The Onion Don’t just read the news. Feel it. Be among the first to feel the news.

Subscribe to The Onion. Maybe we can buy Red Lobster next.

Really no reason not to just run the Chapelle episode again.

Same here