becca

I received an "F" on my dental school paper for writing "the tooth fairy takes 'em while you sleep" and now I'm suing the school for religious discrimination

so i'm an idiot, and when i first read this my immediate response was 'why is amanda keeping staples in the pantry? that's not where a stapler goes'

I have nothing against you or your regional culture but there is an unbreakable spiritual bond between anyone who has ever had to scrape ice off a windshield while hungover

that is indeed how we roll here

A male Anna’s hummingbird at the door. So nosy! 🤣

Earlier today, I was notified that someone was at my door.

This is who it was:

ARTHUR: so you put the sword in the stone, that I might pull it out and be king
MERLIN: yes it was quite the jape
ARTHUR: and you turned me into a fish
MERLIN: hilarious
ARTHUR: merlin I need you to be more serious
MERLIN: your best friend is fucking your wife
ARTHUR: less serious than that

Every time someone’s like “put that in the louvre,” my head now goes “and then steal it from the louvre, the security password is louvre”

My sincerest condolences for your loss

What we're watching: A new take on "Frankenstein," a lavish legal drama starring Kim Kardashian and a Tracy Morgan-led spinoff.

sometimes an Oxford comma can make all the difference

A 34-year-old as a politician: My god he's like a baby. It's like they just elected an infant to be their mayor.

A 34-year-old as an athlete: You have to admire the bravery of him attempting that dunk, knowing full well the grim reaper is right behind him.

i think if you ride public transit enough you learn that most weird behavior is not dangerous, and conversely i think driving a car teaches you that everyone is trying to kill you at all times

and she is going to STAY THAT WAY for at least ONE ROUND, so help me god

Oh I was NOT prepared for Hunter Schafer in Tilda Swinton's Orlando wardrobe today

The LEVELS of gender at work here

can albanian speakers please tell me more about this verb that apparently means “to die” but only for humans and bees???

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

"I asked ChatGPT" "I asked Grok" ok well I asked Gandalf and he said he has not passed through fire and death to bandy crooked words with a witless worm

For a hot second I genuinely thought this was a place near @wagnarok.bsky.social

Mine transitioned fully over to only buying gifts for the kids a while ago, with a White Elephant style books-only exchange for the larger extended family that tends to get heated

If you have a family of readers I can't recommend a book exchange highly enough, it's always hilarious

A printed poem which reads: I hav for breakfast Weetabix I hav for lunch some meat I have for tea 2 sosajis and thats enuf to eat Peter Hazel, 5

On National Poetry Day, the greatest poem I have ever read

A package of assorted cheese with a cracker in a plastic container, from Westside Market, New York City on 77 Seventh Ave The label reads: Assorted cheese hell.....yes THE SKY IS DARK THE WIND IS COLD THE NIGHT IS YOUNG BEFORE IT'S OLD AND GREY. WE WILL KNOW THE THRILL OF IT ALL--BRYAN FREEY there is a barcode and it says 1 PCS Packed on: & Sell by: OCT 01 Total price $5.99

It's officially October 1st so that means you all have to repost Assorted cheese
hell.....yes

Not only don't I think this is a crank theory, I think it's obviously true almost at the sun-rises-in-the-east level.

I know a fae trap when I see one

timeline cleanse on this friday. mud wizard taunting stuck cops during a climate protest in germany

an emperor of china says: I'M GONNA CONSULT MY COUNCIL OF EUNUCHS ABOUT THIS he steps into a room of cats, one of which is licking its butthole he asks: WHICH ONE OF YOU KNOWS ABOUT CANAL INFRASTRUCTURE END

this 'for now' is alarming, patrice

if you have a billion dollars you should be legally designated a dragon and any human can adventure against you

Hey there, Delilah
Can you hear me through the floorboards
Below which my dismembered corpse
Provides the only records
Of your crime?
A long way back from hell I've had to climb
Now I speak in rhyme

utter dream home in mexico city

IG casitamxhome

i am genuinely impressed at how incredibly correct you are here