Tom Crowley Simulator 2026

There is only one answer.

Someday he’ll turn up!

You can’t undermine David’s brand identity like this.

Today I'm Waking Up With A Hoare, a man called Hoare, David Hoare with an H, the comedian. You can listen to his podcast or watch the thing on YouTube, what a world: www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtQ2...

All the times Alan Grant farts in Jurassic Park.

APPARENTLY it costs the NHS over £300,000 a year to remove foreign objects from people's rectums. Why aren't we removing British objects instead? Was Brexit all for nothing? Gerry Paton, London

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Must be with these three hiss artists, wheyyyy!

A grainy, distant photo of Tom Neenan, John Rain and me, Tom Crowley, sitting in front of microphones in a studio.

What a nice day. More coming very soon. Watch out, hissers! 🐍🐍🐍
@johnrain.co.uk @tpneenan.bsky.social

TikTok is where there’s a guy called DonkeyDave and you’ve never heard of him but nine hundred million children follow him and he specialises in making something called ‘autistic pasta’ and it’s so popular that it destroyed Italy’s actual economy and it’s only 7:45am and you haven’t made your coffee

Me under torture ⤵️
ME: Do whatever you like, I’ll never tell you the nuclear codes! Never!
TORTURER: Drink this pint of the swamp water that collects at the bottom of the vegetable drawer.
ME: Aaaaaah eight four nine seven

It was the swamp ooooooze

I was at that! How funny. I can believe that about the Fast Show, though.

Me under torture ⤵️
ME: Do whatever you like, I’ll never tell you the nuclear codes! Never!
TORTURER: Drink this pint of the swamp water that collects at the bottom of the vegetable drawer.
ME: Aaaaaah eight four nine seven

Hey, creative people! Just a heads up that you will be told "Wait, be patient. Your time will come" right up until you're told "You've had your time. Best step aside." It will even weirdly overlap in the middle.

Ignore both because they are both complete bullshit.

“I’m getting through so many more wanks these days! My old chap looks like a burnt Wotist! Thanks ChatGPT!”

If you use AI you're a scab pass it on

“Grandma, it’s so wonderful to see you again! WHERE DID YOU HIDE UNCLE ROSTRUM’S GOLD?”

For a horrible moment I thought you meant celebrated 2000AD writer Alan Grant.

Take me down to the Parallax city where the far moves slow and the near moves quickly

(Anime man looking at butterfly) Is this Rogue One?

Sorry fella, that’s nothing to do with me, I only have admin control on Furious And Revolting and Guillotine 4 Real.

Oh sorry mate, I should have thought

Can we abolish the monarchy yet?

Also incredible!

Yes! Entirely correct.

Catherine O’Hara as Kate McCallister in Home Alone.

Like a lot of people my age, one of the first truly brilliant comic performances I ever saw was Catherine O’Hara in Home Alone. One of the greatest.

Top panel: Geordi LaForge holds an admonishing hand up to the present day Ubisoft logo. Bottom panel: Geordi LaForge points enthusiastically at the 1995 Ubisoft logo.

90s kids knowz how it do be

I guess so! Christ it sounds cringey though.